Quote:
Originally Posted by MaggieRose
We did martial arts together and it was pretty obvious - staring, blushing, grinning, running over to greet me, getting physically aroused, stalking me quite a bit. But at the same time, he was very scared. It took a long time for him to even be able to talk to me in the beginning. Later, he managed some very awkward conversations. Also, on two occasions, when hugging, he held on to me exceptionally tightly with a lot of feeling but never brought that up. He said his greatest fear is rejection/abandonment. He would always ask me, "How do you know you can trust someone?"
|
I know you mentioned acoa but would he consider any other type of therapy? A lot of times the chaos, inconsistency and unpredictability of growing up in a house where there is addiction can really affect your ability to have meaningful relationships when you are an adult. Personally (And I mean this to protect you) I would avoid any type of intimacy (emotional as well as anything else) until he sees someone. Even if you have to pull away or level with him and say it. I know it wont be easy and he may get hurt, pull away or get angry. But there is just no way he can be a good partner to you in the future if he doesnt get help. I speak from experience. An addict parent really shapes a child good or bad. Its so hard to break that cycle of keeping people at arms length, one minute being emotionally connected and the next completely pulling back. If it hasnt already, it will hurt you even if he cant help it. There is a sort of 'tunnel vision' when it comes to adulting when you have grown up that way. Most people have developed certain coping skills good or bad and they just dont get how to change that. They may want to but I feel that without professional help it is almost impossible.
Quote:
|
When we had a breakthrough, he stopped running away and opened up to me. He said, "I trust you now. That kind of trust takes a very long time. You just have to give me time - that's all it takes. Nobody else has ever given me a chance, they have just given up." As for other girls - he said he doesn't have luck with them and has never had a girlfriend as he's just too scared of rejection. He said sometimes he likes girls but "it's just lust" and he doesn't act on it because it's not "significant".
|
Ok, he has decided to trust you for the time being but he has already done that and then pulled away right? What's to stop him from pulling away anytime something feels bad or off or even a little tiny bit uncomfortable? trauma and growing up with an addict as a parent sort of affects our "window of tolerance". Basically due to pain we have experienced the tolerance for anything remotely uncomfortable good or bad triggers old behaviors as a form of self protection. Therapy helped me expand and almost eliminate my window of tolerance.
Quote:
|
I only thought of suggesting therapy because he brought it up first. He said he is well aware that he needs therapy but doesn't trust anyone enough to open up to them. He said he knows therapy will help him to get over his fears, but his fears are preventing him from going, therefore it's a vicious cycle. I would never recommend therapy to him 'out of the blue' - only if he brought it up again and asked my advice, which he does very often.
|
No, I get that and I do not think I was very forthright in explaining what I meant. Basically, depending on the day, mood, which way the wind blows- it will affect how receptive you can be to ideas, even if you know they are good for you. The fear of rehashing or bringing forth anything painful just throws you back into old coping mechanisms even if they were not healthy ways to cope.
Quote:
|
He said he is trying to work through his issues, triggers, fears, etc. and I have played a huge role in helping me and he is very grateful. He said he believes we can still be very good friends and he has a lot to learn from me. To me, it feels like he starts getting comfortable with me, lets his guard down, talks about possibly being more than a friend...then gets terrified and denies everything. Yet when he saw another guy flirting with me one day, he had a complete meltdown and literally couldn't talk to me. He was angry and upset for a week. That doesn't suggest friendship to me...
|
Hard as this is to hear, that is totally unfair and inappropriate. i feel like you are giving him too much power in the relationship-whatever that is. He does not have the right to be upset when he cant even be honest with how he feels and can easily turn off his feelings and pull away. i know this is not what you want to hear but I really feel like it is valid. Just try and put it into perspective- would you allow another friend to act like this and accept it?
Quote:
|
I am so glad you are in recovery! That's awesome. How's it going?
|
Recovery has been awesome (6 years). I am not the same person I was before. I am 100% a better person. I am so comfortable with who I am that I would go through the pain all over again if I knew I would get to be the person I am today.