I sometimes imagine it would be easier to be a pure victim. That way I could at least claim the moral high ground. As it is (or was I guess would be more accurate), while I started out being the victim, I then turned around & did different but even worse to other people who deserved infinitely better from me.

So I fully deserved everything I got. However I got my punishment first & then created my bad karma. It's sort-of like someone said: "You're going to be a really bad person in your life. So we're going front-load you with a bunch of crap so we make sure & get it in." Reverse karma? I haven't had any confidence or self-worth for many years now. But I have boatloads of anxiety. And it's getting worse as I age.