Thank you so much for your kind replies, Skeezyks and mote.of.soul.

I really hope I am doing enough..and this is so typical for my personality that I always put myself under pressure...even in the depression I feel like I need to push myself more.
I feel like I am not doing the exercises/techniques well enough (not believing the negative thoughts etc) because I dont feel instant relief like "aah now those thoughts dont scare me anymore")..
But if it was that easy we d all just have to hear once how not to believe your thoughts and everyone would be fine I guess.

@skeezyks: will read the links, thank you. Have read so much about depression and ways to heal so far but it always helps to read comforting things.

@mote.of.soul: If my episodes and periods of being sad vanished more or less would be amazing. To resolve underlying issues and fears for good sounds like a dream but I cannot believe it right now.
The whole "nothing will work for me" mentality catches up with me sometimes but I know this is just depression and negatvitiy talking.

I just have a lot of underlying huge fear that I will never get out of such a slump and no one knows how to help and that i have to try various strong meds and will never be ok again etc.. ever since I have bad phases this fear shows up. Living an independent life full of freedom is my number one priority so I guess this is where the anxiety that this.could be taken from me comes from.
And sometimes I also fear that my brain is so messed up from taking lexapro on and off that it has forgotten how to be in balance...I should stay away from online horror stories!
My doctors and therapist have all said the brain can recover so well.
I hope that it is a good sign that I can still work and concentrate (and speak English..I am German..)

which means my brain is still somewhat intact.

I wish I could deal with these fears and better trust myself and therefore not panick as much when I am in a depressive phase.

Rambling on...thanks for reading.