I told him I was uncomfortable with this and asked how I’ll ever know what else he’s doing with me that’s uncomfortable. Like, what else is he hiding? I particularly asked if he is or ever will be uncomfortable reading my emails and he leaned forward and pretty convincingly said that will never happen. He said he would even like to reply to my emails sometimes, but doesn’t think it’s the right thing for me. He said he initially replied even though that was not the norm because he thought I’d leave therapy without it. He was probably right.

He will not respond to emails other than for scheduling purposes. He was clear about that, but also very kind about it and about understanding my frustration. I do feel hurt by that, but he’s pretty clearly there for me otherwise. He reminded me of a story I had told him about when my son was about 4 and he called me as I was driving to work crying and saying “you didn’t hold my hand” referring to our ritual where I’d hold his hand while he walked down the stairs. Never mind that he was asleep when I left the house or that my husband was home with him. He said it’s ok to have desires like that as an adult (you didn’t reply to my email!) but as we grow up, and certainly as parents, we understand that we’re still there for our kids and still hold them in our minds even when we are not physically there. Not sure if I’m explaining it well, but it sort of made sense to me at the time. Obviously part of me would still like a reply!