Thanks for all of your replies and messages of support. I've now seen my psychologist, I told her everything I've posted on here. She advised that both herself and the psychiatrist are very concerned for my safety (which isn't very reassuring), and advised me to continue with the grounding techniques and mindfulness that I have on my crisis plan. I said that I have no bother doing that, even when I feel I'm losing track of reality, but my concern is the times when the dissociation is instant, when I am unable to ground myself. She did not have an answer for this, so I'm still at a loss really. I told her I feel that even though I'm fighting, I need to leave myself a little room to try to accept that I am going to die. I even asked her if I should speak to friends and family so that they are prepared.

I always attend my appointments with my psychiatrist and psychologist, and I feel I'm very open to trying their techniques and heeding their advice. My psychologist agrees that Viktor was developed in childhood as a protector, even though he started planning an 'exit' when I was around 9 years old. Subjugation by persons throughout my life, and never focusing on me has kept him somewhat 'dormant', until I became massively triggered and tried to seek help from professionals.

With regards to medication, I do take my medication. I've been on the maximum dose of an antidepressant for around 6 months. Even though it doesn't help, the psychiatrist doesn't want to change it until I'm 'more stable'. My antipsychotic is now being changed due to current side effects.