I’m having trouble trying to articulate these sensations that I get, all I can describe it as is that I feel like I’m wrong and that I have to go the extra mile to reach everybody else’s level.

I don’t remember much from my childhood but I do know that I was extremely quiet and never used to talk to anyone, and grew up to become quite shy and introverted. I eventually learnt to become confident, but felt like there was still a void inside of me.

It feels like I don’t really have a ‘me’, I feel like I’m kind of imitating and constantly thinking about how to project myself and just trying to be as perfect as I can. I’m not completely emotionally empty - I find things funny and I find things sad, but I overall feel robotic... like I’m carrying around my body like a shell, kind of like a Groundhog Day feeling?

Sometimes I get jealous when people are having a laugh with each other, it’s like I’ll try to develop myself to be more like them because I want to be the best person... I think? But then I feel like I’m draining myself, I feel like who I am is a daily construct. Sometimes this makes me feel panicky and sad because I just feel like I’m wrong inside.

I’m not really sure how to accurately put these feelings into words 🙈 I just feel like my mind is constantly pervasive day in and day out, there’s always just something getting to me and that I feel cut off.

There are times where I’ll act clownish and care free because sometimes I want that ‘free spirit’ image and it’s strange because when someone comments on my actions or tries to compliment me, in my head it’s just like, yeah that’s just my actions, just a construct, it’s not me (whatever ‘me’ is)

Yeah I have interests and things I enjoy, but no way in hell does that make me feel like I’m emotionally connected to people. I often get paranoid about people and feel like they are just fake and pretending. I guess I just have a lot of different thoughts and feeling of a lot of things so I’m not even sure how to write about random feelings that I get.

Quite a long post there!

Does anyone recognise this? Is this some form of disorder in itself...? If it’s worth noting my uncle had suffered from schizophrenia and I get scared about what route my thoughts are taking me down, but because I’ve felt everything and nothing all of my life I don’t really know what to do but to live in the void...