Sometimes my low moods overwhelm me and are too much.I have reached a stage this year where the blues are really getting to me.Not got much of interest going on and I feel somewhat isolated.I chat to people at the cafe when I go to the cinema complex but they don't really know me.Out of loneliness I have been buying and losing money on scratchcards.I want to stop doing that.I might win the odd five or ten pounds and I get hooked on buying the cards then I lose.So am developing a gambling habit which is a shame because I am just starting to get control of my addiction to food.

I am scared that this is it for me,that I'll always be alone and that there is nothing more to achieve in life for me.yet I have so much to be grateful for.My home,my cats,my niece and the welfare that I get and free health care.I guess I feel stagnant but it is up to me to get things going in my life.It doesn't help everything that I try comes with a hurdle and every time I get a hurdle I give up.Like I joined an art class but got bullied by two other members and the tutor joined in to bully me too,so I quit the class.I am not happy that I had to quit but getting bullied seriously lowered my self esteem and confidence.Today I saw myself in the mirror at the opticians and saw that I am really massive and fat.That upset me.i weighed myself and I am 301 pounds.I am on a diet which has to be a permanent lifestyle change.Since January 1st I have cut out all sugary treats and drinks.Being fat morbidly obese and diabetic depressed me.I am happy about one thing,I have got my eating under control and no longer binge.

So my emotions get complicated cos I am dissatisfied about so much in life.But today I felt good sticking to my diet ,getting new glasses cheered me up a little bit.Also February 9th I am going to the theatre to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show with my niece and we are going to the Mexican restaurant after.And soon after that I am getting CCTV installed so my narc sister can no longer enter my house without my knowledge or premission and steal things.Last time she stole my old photos from when I was a child and that upset and angered me so much!

I have been watching 600 pounds life on red quest Tv which has inspired me,it tells the stories of bariatric patients on their journey's to lose weight with weight loss surgery with a doctor in Houston, Texas.It is inspiring to see such super obese people actually sticking to diets and losing weight.I am small compared to them but still very fat.

I don't know how to regulate my moods.They go from bad to worse to better to bad again.I sometimes want to give up.