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beauflow
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beauflow As usual... lost in the cosmic chaos
 
Member Since: Jul 2011
Location: Anywhere where I can grow
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Default Jan 30, 2019 at 11:05 PM
 
Checking in- today has been very difficult. Today per my app is "day 12" .
I've had very negative thoughts, very depressed thoughts, I cried for two hours this morning. While my other disorders, along with a few heart aching anniversaries coming up, have some play in this, but the quitting cigarettes has touched something,.. it's very difficult. And I hate it's difficult. I hate that I struggle with this too.

I remind myself to reread articles, to remind myself this will pass and it's part of a process. To remind myself of coping skills and bringing myself to do them.

I have had coworker support, my ex/my friend, and even when I picked up my package from the office today- the apt manager, that's kind, mentioned to me that I can do this, and that at least I keep tryin even of I've quit a thousand times before and struggle.

Part of my ties to cigs in away was.... so much.
One was just a slow acceptable death, that in a way validates core negative beliefs- I am nothing and dont matter, so why not light up?

I want a cigarette right now because "nothing matters " but I know from many failed attempts in the past- if I light one up, I'll be here again just on another day. Very much so trying best to challenge these thoughts, as they are nothing unusual for me. I've had practice, I've learned some more tools and hope to find more along the way.

Day 18 for some reason a milestone for me.. if I can make it to day 18 , while not a month it will mean so much... day 18 is 6 (actually almost 5 days, as I am about to go to sleep and wake up on day 13).

I hate the counting, but also understand for me- it means a lot In the long run.

I've made it almost a year one time, I understand now- I can't just have one... I am sad at this fact for me.
I will miss cigs. As sad as that may seem to others I will... no one in flesh, has been such a great shoulder to cry on and help me keep my temper at times, or validate such strong (negative)beliefs when I felt I needed them to.

I am quitting smoking for health reasons, I have back issues which i know, i understand and have had horrible times with.
I remind myself to try best not to feel shame or regret-- I must admit, I am an addict to this substance... and try best not to compare and beat myself up with other addictions I've had that I've left in the past.

One day at a time... follow the patches that I'm doing, and yes- I am using a vape for the time being, but at a low level-
Remind myself to use skills, to reach out.

I am trying to remind myself I don't know what the future holds... i have fears that some may not understand, but I'll just have to wait and see.

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