I've been trying to type this. I've said it more than once: I feel alone. I've said it on here, I've said it in therapy and I've said it to the closest to me. It doesn't matter. I can say it all I want, it doesn't change anything and probably never will.

I feel completely separated from everyone and everything. Always do. Even when I'm "connecting" with someone, it's bull. I just go through the motions. I'm not even sure if I can really love anyone. Like, I do love the people in my life, I want the best for them and I'd do anything for them, but it still feels so... far away.

I have this tremor in my hand that keeps showing up every time I try to talk about this. I have these angry outbursts that are coming out more and more. I'm wanting to drink again, not that I ever completely stopped but I definitely cut down a lot. I'm hurting myself in every way I know possible. There's a list, is the point I'm trying to make.

I'm in a downward spiral. All of the progress I thought I'd been making... I was just blind to reality. You'd think I would've learned to quit living in a dream world, they just hurt you more in the end. And **** it's hurting.

No matter who else I talk to with PTSD or C-PTSD, it doesn't make that alone feeling go away. I was told by an older man that it never does. It never goes away. That you're always in that room with thin walls and no door. You can hear everyone, you can talk back, but you will always be alone in that room.

Me and this room. Alone together forever.