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Old 02-01-2019, 02:56 AM
spaghettios spaghettios is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2019
Location: California
Posts: 1
spaghettios spaghettios is offline
Newly Joined
spaghettios has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2019
Location: California
Posts: 1

Default there's something wrong with me and it's ruined my life

I haven't been able to interact with people normally at any point in my life. When I was in elementary school I was extremely aggressive and prone to tantrums far past the age where that behavior is normal. This behavior continued into jr high and highschool.
Possible trigger:
I've never had control of these outbursts. They're almost always triggered by other people, especially if I'm cornered or they stand to close to me. They're embarrassing, I have no control over them, I'm an adult woman, I don't want to have temper tantrums like a 5 year old.

In addition to this I have no conversation or people skills. Often times when people try to talk to me I feel like I'm not fully there and no matter how hard I try I can't have a normal conversation and it's mostly "umm"s and "uhh"s. I've never had an actual friendship in real life. I have internet friends but I usually lose interest in talking to them after a while. The only person I genuinely enjoy being around is my boyfriend. I met him on the internet and Iíve met him once in real life. Heís the only person Iím comfortable touching me or being near me.

It feels like Iím trapped in my own brain. Iím stuck living with my mother because I donít even have a high school diploma. Iíve never had a job, I doubt I could hold one. The last time I was in school I was 15 and even then I wasnít able to stop myself from acting aggressive and I wasnít able to speak to other children normally.

I hate living like this. I donít know whatís wrong with me. Iíve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ptsd before but none of those would cause me to act like this. But these diagnoses are based on therapists, psychs and social workers I saw for less than 6 months. I always discontinue therapy shortly after I start because I start to hate whoever is performing it and I donít want to melt down or attack a therapist and get sent to prison or the hospital.

Last edited by bluekoi; 02-01-2019 at 10:13 AM. Reason: Add trigger code.
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