OK, posting this. I respectfully ask that no one say that I should just stop emailing my T. And that no one say he's an awful T and I should leave him because of some aspects of his email policy. Which he clarified more in yesterday's session (I'll post that in a bit) and isn't as bad as it will seem here. Other comments fine.

T Wednesday (a day early because of my birthday Thursday, which...well...). Went back and sat down. I said I felt bad about emailing him Monday, that I did appreciate his responses. But I knew I should have just sat with it. But with Tuesday being an anniversary that I was struggling with, decided to go ahead and email. He said it was fine. I started crying and said I knew I'd been contacting him more lately (like once a week the past 3-4 weeks), and I felt bad about that. How I wanted him to know I really was trying, that I was generally trying other coping mechanisms first. T said he knew that and appreciated it.

I said I just worried I was contacting him too much, and that I was trying to work on it, how it's just a rough month for me. T said he thinks of emails as part of his job. And as he said, he'd let me know if it became an issue for him. Me: "So it's not too much right now then?" T thought for a second. T: "I'd say you're about at a yellow right now." I started crying. T: "That's not bad, it just means you're not at green." Me: "But I want to be at green..." T: "But you'd still have orange and red to go before I'd charge you." Me: "There's an orange, too? Oh good."

Note that he'd said before that if I got to a certain level, he'd charge for short ones, which he doesn't currently charge for. Me: "So, once I hit the red level, is there a way to get out of it? Or would you just charge me for all emails for the rest of the time I'm seeing you?" T: "Yes, just take a break from sending emails for a while." Me: "OK." T: "And I want to clarify, the yellow just refers to whether you'd be charged for the emails. It's not about frustration or annoyance, because I'm not frustrated or annoyed by them." Me: "OK, thanks."

I said it wasn't just about the emails, that it was how I wanted to be "green" with him and with everyone in my life at all times. Like the perfectionist part of me, the part that wants/needs everyone to like me. And I said I knew that wasn't realistic. T agreed. T: "I'm sure I've been orange or even red with you before." Me: "Yeah, there have definitely been a few red times..."

T was saying if I'm just trying to be what people want from me, that I'm not really being me. How it's like I'm trying to be all these different people. And how some people say that's like being a chameleon, changing who you are. But it's not a good analogy, because a chameleon remains a lizard, just changes a bit to match its surroundings. It doesn't turn into an opossum. How he feels he's like that, he might shift how he interacts from client to client, might interact differently with a colleague or friend, but he's still being himself in all of those cases. Like not pretending to be someone else. That he hopes I could become more like that as well. I said I did, too.

We talked some about how I'd handled the anniversary (of being unfaithful to H), and I said I'd drank maybe a bit more than I should have, but didn't go too overboard and I didn't do anything else destructive. And I talked to a friend online a bit. He said it sounds like I did really well. And how he wondered if that would have made me want to contact ex-MC. I didn't say this at the time, but I realized later how that hadn't even occurred to me, to contact him. Is it possible I've finally moved on? At least from viewing him as a support person? I said (in session) that I think it also helped knowing I'd see T the next day, that I could get my thoughts out then. T said that's something to think about for future stressful events.

I forget what we talked about next. But with maybe 5 minutes left, T said, "Can I ask you something?" Me: "Uh, OK." T: "Do you feel that you put more weight on things I tell you, opinions I have, as compared with other people in your life? Because I get that sense sometimes. Not just me, but therapists in general." Me: "I need to think about that for a minute." I thought. Me: "It isn't just you or other therapists. I know you don't like being thought of in this way, but it's that you're an authority figure to me. I'm that way with you, other therapists, bosses, teachers, advisors, well, my parents." T: "Hm, OK." Me: "Like I'd react more strongly to something that an authority figure would tell me or an opinion they had as compared to, say, a friend, because I think of a friend as more of an equal." T: "I see." Me: "I need to think about it more. I mean, not right now, because I know we have to stop. But before next session." T: "OK."

Confirmed Monday and Thursday. Went over to pay. T: "Are you feeling better now?" I thought me meant about session, but he meant did I still think I was sick, like Monday. I said I thought I was OK. He held out his hand and we shook hands, as he said, I think "Enjoy" (I never really understand that one...enjoy what?) and "Good luck out there." Me: "Thanks, you too."

I went someplace to do some work (school was closed) and managed to sort of push away my feelings for a bit. But I just kept thinking about the "yellow" thing. Later that evening, I kept starting to type an email to T to clarify something with it, then worried it would put me into orange, so I texted him and just asked if he had any openings Thursday or Friday (he uses text for scheduling, but just wants clients to keep it very straightforward, like not explaining why I want a session, so all I said was literally "Do you have any openings tomorrow or Friday?"). He offered me two options, I took one, he wrote back to say "OK I have you on my schedule. Hope you have a peaceful evening." Which felt nice.