As for the emails, the color thing is super confusing. I'd even be like what?!! You know your limits and what you gotta do to stay yellow, so that's all on you on how much you do.

The other thing I did wanna say about is...and remember this isn't a judgement, it's an observation.... but I don't know your whole EXMC thing but I think you said you loved him and he was uncomfortable and you kinda had a big thing and it ended? I'm thinking the reason you see him and this T and any T as a authority figure (which they really aren't... you are much more equal than you realize) is because I think, even with ex MC you probably think of him in a sense as a parent.... rather than a T. So when he got upset or rejected the ILY, you felt that he was rejecting (omg my computer kept typing erecting, I'm laughing) you as a person and your love... it felt like your parents rejecting you and your love. I'm not sure how you can move past the authority figure idea with Therapy, but I would maybe ask T to help you with that, I would imagine you would feel so differently without that mindset.

I also think its interesting he asked you that because it does seem that his opinion matters most. Not that it's good or bad etc.... I mean, we all value our T's options (well most of them) but I feel like there are other people like your H who's options should matter more than T's...I know it's different but again, if you can find the freedom to see him as not an authority figure... you will feel so much relief.

I am not judging and I know I'm terrible at wording but I feel like the perfectionist is because you want so badly to please your parents and you assume all these certain people, aside from friends, are like your parents. It's much better to just be you. If they can't accept the flaws you have, hell with them. I feel sad for you when I read stuff like this because I can't imagine how hard it must be to live constantly trying to please everyone and never really giving yourself a break. Just being ok with being you. I think that's what your T is trying to help you with. Hopefully he can. I really want to see you happy.