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Originally Posted by Anne2.0
What popped into my head reading your last session and the fears about arbitrariness in response and him taking things away is how young those fears sound. I wondered if you were an only child, because for some reason this pings for me as perhaps more profound for only children. When you have siblings, I think you have an "outsider" perspective about how the parent/child relationship changes naturally as children "achieve" developmental stages, like pottying, weaning, and so on including lots of independent things like dressing, feeding, reading by themselves . . . .
Less from my childhood, but more from my son's, who is an only child. We were quite "attachment" oriented in practice without buying into the theory wholesale. It was clear to me that he perceived certain stages of independence with some fears, like what will it mean that mom and dad won't help me with ___ anymore? I think he associated, and at almost adult age still does, doing things for him as love, and if those were no longer done, then the love was draining away. At some point he expressed that he was afraid to read by himself because then we wouldn't read to him anymore.
I've never read the book, but many people I know talk about "love languages" and about what love (could just as easy be support or caring) means. Maybe it was mentioned in your marriage counseling. Just wondering if your feelings and fears about emailing and what not are related to something in the neighborhood of this idea.
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I am an only child, so you could be onto something here... I can definitely tell some of the fears with T come from a young place and mentioned that to him. It's like my mom expected perfection (with lots of things, academically, friendships, financial stuff, etc.), and now this emailing thing, where I'm no longer at "green" I think is triggering that. He said that even if I hit red, I can then go back to green.
Whereas with my mom, if I messed up in some way, she wouldn't let me forget it for years. Forgot a homework assignment and got a zero on it? She kept reminding me of it and how hard it was to claw myself back to an A. Even getting a speeding ticket in my mid-20s (from a speed trap on a highway, going along with the traffic, not being reckless), she was still telling me years later "stay out of the fast lane" if I said I was driving somewhere. And, I mean, a large number of people get speeding tickets at some point in their lives (including my T--we discussed it once). So I think maybe I need to delve into all of this stuff more with T--we've talked about it some, but if it's triggered so easily like this...there's clearly more to work through.
And to tie it back into your original comment, I think being an only child played into that, because my mom just had me to focus on. And I had no ally in dealing with the pressure.
ETA: I have looked at the love languages book (and taken the test online--ex-MC seemed to think it was BS) and considered it in relation to my H but not beyond that. Trying to remember what I came up with for me...maybe I'll take the online quiz again. I think maybe the words of affirmation, or something to that effect? Definitely not physical affection or "acts of service."