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Old 02-02-2019, 06:59 PM  
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Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 1,097
1 yr Member
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Default How to refute this sad thought

As I'm being prepped for bariatric surgery, a persistent thought is depressing me.

I grew up very poor, which means bad home haircuts and shabby clothes. I matured earlier than most kids my age, which got a lot of bullying. I always felt tall and gonky and massive compared to everybody else. Besides this, I wasn't allowed to wash or groom myself as often as I needed to, because it "cost too much money." Result, more bullying, being called "stinky" and such.

Even long before I was actually overweight, so many people called me "fat" just because the number on the scale was higher. Of course it was. I was also taller and more developed, but all anybody (including me) cared about was the number on the scale. I developed a warped body image and saw myself as fat, even though I was a healthy weight for my height and stage of development.

Until I was 13 and got braces (paid for by strangers, as I was made a charity case) I had severely buck teeth that got me even more bullying. Once my teeth were straightened, I gained weight for real. Hardly even noticed, because with my distorted body image, in my mind, that's what I looked like all along.

The surgery will probably take care of that, but they don't do panniculectomy or any removal of loose skin afterward. Even I'm tripping over my own skin as it drags the floor at my feet, insurance doesn't cover it, and we can't afford it out of pocket.

Plus I'm getting older.

My young years are gone.

Shabby, unkempt appearance. Then the buck teeth. Then the actual weight gain. Now, even before the surgery, skin starting to sag and hang like a shar pei. After the surgery, even more so. Plus the results of age.

At no stage in my life am I ever going to be beautiful.
I have written the story of my life and recovery, and was given permission to place the link in my signature.

Please be warned that parts of it can be triggering if you are sensitive to descriptions of abuse. I'm not using anybody's real names, including my own.
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