[Trigger warning: substance abuse, anxiety/intrusive thoughts related to child sexual abuse]

~ TL;DR ~

Hello, I’m a 33 female who has struggled with depression, anxiety and substance abuse since my teens and possibly before. In my early twenties I had an episode of drug induced psychosis that basically amounted to a short-lived belief that I had been sexually abused as a child.

I saw a wonderful psychologist who I remain indebted to to this day, who told me that I was suffering from intrusive thoughts, and my GP also put me on Prozac. These two things saved my life, but now ten years later I find myself unemployed and without any real purpose in life.

My depression and anxiety is manageable compared to what it was in the past, but any attempt I make to lead a more productive and full life (such as study and relationships) ends in failure. Though I have made improvements in the way I interact with people and in taking responsibility for my choices and actions, I still have real trouble committing to anything.

When the depression lifts, I feel capable that I can make positive changes and I feel pretty confident that I can work, study, have meaningful relationships etc. but the depression always seems to sneak up on me and I end up self-sabotaging.

I am reasonably intelligent and I have some insight, but you wouldn’t think it to look at my life now. I see myself in a cycle of depression and anxiety that seems never-ending, and I know that I should have the intestinal fortitude to break that cycle, but I don’t.

Long story not so short, I feel like the worlds greatest loser. I can’t even plead ignorance, because I know what is holding me back (mental health issues, past trauma related to emotional abuse and family violence) but I feel incapable of being the better person I know I should be.

I think that I lack moral fibre, and that maybe I am just destined to be this loser who does nothing with her life and who falls into the same old patterns. But then I hope that maybe there is a reason for all of it, a reason that might absolve me of responsibility and make it “not my fault.” I know that is wishful thinking though.

I just feel so tired and all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and not have to try anymore! I know how immature that is but it’s how I feel! I know that I am struggling and I need more professional support than I am getting at the moment, but it’s hard when I think so little of myself.

I saw a psychiatrist recently who adjusted my medication, which was good, but I feel that I need so much more than one lousy visit. I do get twelve visits to a psychologist each year, but I’ve yet to find a psychologist in my area who I have a good rapport with, and as I get older, I feel that health professionals judge me more harshly.

Lately I have become almost obsessed with finding an alternative diagnosis to depression and anxiety, to the point where I told the psychiatrist that I wondered whether I had BPD. He gave me a questionnaire and the results were that I had strong traits, but not to the point of disorder.

Yesterday it hit me that I am chasing my tail, and that what I really need is clarification of my current diagnosis. I know I have features of OCD - there’s the intrusive thoughts and I also pick compulsively - but I don’t know whether or not it’s a disorder.

I have lots of anxiety about how other people must see me, and I worry a lot about whether or not I am being manipulative or whether or not I am a malingerer. I second guess my own motives all the time, and I second guess interactions I have with others, including this very post!

I guess I just wanted to share my story in the hope that someone might say “it’s okay, you’re suffering from common anxiety/depression/OCD symptoms and you’re not a bad person, and you’re not alone.”

So sorry for the ridiculously long post. If you’ve read all of this, bless your heart. :-)