at around 11:30pm I privately communicated with some lady on some chatroom website. I don't like privately communicating with women because it's very close to sexting them. I don't privately communicate with men, so why with women? anyhow the ladies, whom I chatted with, were not interested in communicating with me; an I got very sad.

I was trying very hard to communicate with them, but they weren't interested and so I felt like a predator. It's not healthy for me to put myself in situations where I feel like that. And that chatroom website is very strict where I can probably get banned for my private communications with them. I need to find better environments to communicate with women, and I should try public communication rather than private communication.

It hurts a lot when I try to communicate with people and they don't communicate back. But unlike private communication, public communication has a greater audience. I don't have to feel rejected so much, within public communication, because there's usually always somebody to communicate with. I feel less judged in public communications, because there are people in public conversations to make sure I'm not being judged.

I don't privately message men, so why should I privately message women? It's very near sexting, with my history anyhow. And part of improving my sexual health involves being more public and less private.

One reason why I decided to privately communicate with them is because I haven't been having much luck publicly communicating with others. I have a mental illness and people tend to not want to communicate with me because of it. Some people avoid me because of my mental illness, gender, sexuality, religion, hair, skin color, race, age, economy, and height. But whether I publicly or privately communicate with women, they will still not want to communicate with me. And public communication allows me to communicate with an audience of people, rather than just one person, increasing my chances of finding someone who will communicate back with me or understand me.

Today was a failure for me because I relapsed and privately communicated with women, even though I didn't sext them. My sexual health only worsens when I privately behave like this. Next time if I want to communicate with women, I need to do it in a public environment. And if women don't want to communicate with me, then that's pefectly okay.

I shouldn't pressure myself to communicate with women, honestly. Communication is important for me, and communicating helps lower my social anxiety that can affect my sexual health. But I can communicate with people, in general. I don't need to deliberately try to communicate with women, especially random women who'll end up making me feel very sad and predatory.