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LifelongLoner
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LifelongLoner It's the same old, same old. And, I do mean old!
 
Member Since: Nov 2018
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 125
5 yr Member
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Default Feb 03, 2019 at 03:11 AM
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones View Post
This still plagues me and no matter what I've read, I still don't see a solution. Other people get over it, so how do they? My ex-best friend told me I could never act on same-sex desires. It's wrong. Never acting on it is killing me. There doesn't seem to be an opportunity for me, but even if there were, I'm not sure I could...I'm not convinced it ISN'T wrong.

But maybe it goes deeper than that because I'm often ashamed of being sexually attracted to men as well and usually go out of my way to avoid men I'm really attracted to. I can't imagine anything worse than them finding out. I mean, how humiliating. And then there's more fear involved with having sex with men than there used to me. Too many bad experiences. I'm really uncomfortable with the thought of penetration after experiencing a lot of pain due to an infection and my previous partner's inability to penetrate me gently or stop if I'm in pain.

So what do I do? Having sex with the people I'm supposed to (men) scares me and I'm rarely very attracted to them and when I am I'm very embarrassed about it. And I can't come up with a valid reason why same-sex attraction ISN'T wrong to act on.
I am gay and relate to you very much. I am a gay man who is turned off by gay men even though I find men (and only men) sexually attractive.

I was raised in a very gay negative environment. And, frankly, my experiences in the LGBTQ community have not been good at all. Despite friends and counsellors advising me to be promiscuous, I never liked that aspect of gay sexuality and avoided it as much as possible. It saved my life when the AIDS plague struck. I lost many good friends. In many ways, I never recovered as having sex became very dangerous. I never seemed to enjoy sex anyway. I was raised in a sex-negative home with parents - especially my mother - who was cold and often mean. She did not like me being effeminate and bullied me into being more straight acting so that she would be less embarrassed by me. She rejected me my entire life. As I failed to bond with my parents, the result was I did not bond with anyone else either. Plus, being gay was dangerous. There were bashings and ridicule and shame. Religion was no help - even gay friendly congregations really were not very welcoming. And, people in the community gave me a hard time too, to the point that I stopped being involved in it entirely.

There's a lot more to negotiating gay sex that straight people don't realize. I find people to be embarrassed to ask potential partners if they are a top or a bottom or if they practice safe sex. My being versatile was a big turnoff for almost all potential partners. And, frankly, I did not find the sex to be that great. I often regretted having sex because people just wanted to come and go, which did not meet my needs as I naturally seemed to gravitate to the hope that having sex would build a bond with my partner. That led to a lot of disappointment. I also met a lot of emotionally scarred and dysfunctional people who liked to live dangerously. I was an outsider who did not use drugs or smoke cigarettes and who practiced safe sex. People used to laugh in the pre-AIDS world when I said that I was seeking a relationship.

All this led to a lot of self-loathing and internalized homophobia. I isolate a lot.
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