Hey Starryprince,

disclaimer: Know that I'm not a doctor and never played one on TV. The following is my personal opinion.Do with it what you want, even if it’s nothing, and try not to take offense as that is not my intent.

I can see the pain of what happened between you and your once wife. I also see your pain that you felt for the wrong you have done to yourself.

I can’t imagine that how maybe part of personal forgiveness is tied to a more complete forgiveness with your once wife but also yourself. Perhaps working on a most complete forgiveness with your once wife will help with your own self-forgivenesses.

Here is one way to accomplish that. I point you to steps 8 and 9 of the 12 steps which directly address forgiveness.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, (and list all wrongs) and became willing to make amends to them all

9. Made amends to them all expect when to do so would injure them or others.

I don’t suggest that you do a global all, but and all of two, your first wife and yourself. Yes, like any human, you have harmed yourself. Maybe by exploring how you’ve hurt yourself, in would be enlightening to you and make your self forgiveness easier. Also, maybe exploring more completely the wrongs you've done to your once wife and working toward an amends will help towards your search with self forgiveness.

It is scary to explore one's harm of oneselves. I know because I’ve done it. But behind every harm, lays a reason for the brokenness. Realizing the brokenness can aid in that self forgiveness, realizing the brokenness is more to blame than you in causing the harm.

Lots or words. I hope they help.