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Old 02-09-2019, 11:10 PM
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starryprince starryprince is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2015
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Member Since: Mar 2015
Location: Among the stars
Posts: 379

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Default Re: How do you forgive yourself?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bipolarsojourner View Post
Hey Starryprince,

disclaimer: Know that I'm not a doctor and never played one on TV. The following is my personal opinion.Do with it what you want, even if itís nothing, and try not to take offense as that is not my intent.

I can see the pain of what happened between you and your once wife. I also see your pain that you felt for the wrong you have done to yourself.

I canít imagine that how maybe part of personal forgiveness is tied to a more complete forgiveness with your once wife but also yourself. Perhaps working on a most complete forgiveness with your once wife will help with your own self-forgivenesses.

Here is one way to accomplish that. I point you to steps 8 and 9 of the 12 steps which directly address forgiveness.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, (and list all wrongs) and became willing to make amends to them all

9. Made amends to them all expect when to do so would injure them or others.

I donít suggest that you do a global all, but and all of two, your first wife and yourself. Yes, like any human, you have harmed yourself. Maybe by exploring how youíve hurt yourself, in would be enlightening to you and make your self forgiveness easier. Also, maybe exploring more completely the wrongs you've done to your once wife and working toward an amends will help towards your search with self forgiveness.

It is scary to explore one's harm of oneselves. I know because Iíve done it. But behind every harm, lays a reason for the brokenness. Realizing the brokenness can aid in that self forgiveness, realizing the brokenness is more to blame than you in causing the harm.

Lots or words. I hope they help.
Hello! She was actually my ex-girlfriend, heh. And I definitely agree with what you're saying. I've been thinking about how I hurt myself in the process and that has been really helpful for my growth. I feel like I've grown from this experience since I did a lot of reflection. So now I know how I can better handle things in the future. Thanks a lot!

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Honestly I cant really see why you have to apologize to her. She wasnt a saint either, and forgiving yourself is the hard part anyway.
Heh, I agree with the fact that she wasn't a saint. I guess I try to excuse her behavior because she had mental health issues (borderline personality disorder) but I know that an explanation shouldn't be an excuse. Sometimes I agree with you, that I don't have to apologize. Now is one of those times. I tend to switch back and forth but the support from this thread has shown me that maybe I really don't have much to apologize for, like you said. Thank you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nowinners View Post
I think you can eventually forgive yourself. It takes time to get over such a significant relationship. As Skeezyks mentioned--someday, you may run across each other again. I hope that, when that time comes, rather than being triggered, that you can both find a way to laugh at something that you both used to argue about. There are few people we share this much history with--I hope that you can be friends.
I think I can eventually start to forgive myself, too. I actually feel like I already have. I have a feeling we won't ever run across each other again because of the distance and other issues but hopefully a time will come when this doesn't cause me much sadness anymore. Thank you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I'm so sorry, starryprince I think the key is to just remember that you didn't have any intention to hurt her in the first place. From what you wrote, it sounds like you just didn't know how to handle the situation well. No one is perfect, so don't be so hard on yourself. You've tried, you've made some mistakes, and that's ok. It could have been a lot worse, after all. And you know better, now. In the end, the biggest mistake was probably just going away without telling anything. It's understandable you'd feel guilty, but I don't think it was that bad. Not to mention that time has passed and that she has probably moved on already. I'd suggest to do the same. Mistakes can happen, but we can learn from them as well. You can't change your past, but you can change your future, so try to focus on that as much as you can. Take all the time you need. Take baby steps. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you
You're right. I think intention is a big part of it. I certainly didn't mean in any harm. I just had no idea how to cope with everything and things were going on in my own life, too. I guess I was giving so much of myself to her and I didn't get much (or anything, really) back. Thinking about it now, I think that's what hurt the most. The feeling of being discarded. I have a lot of conflicting emotions. But you're right. The only thing I can do is move forward. Thanks so much!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AbladeintheMeadow View Post
Hey there not sure if this helps or not - but sometimes writing a letter or something like that addressed to the person or people but never posting it or sending it...I find that helps me with all sorts of emotions I have from anger through to apologies & everything in between
It's funny you mentioned that because I have a daily journal prompt app and the prompt was "Write a letter for someone who will never read it" and I wrote a letter to her (but never sent it to her, of course) as a way to process my feelings and release any emotions I had at the time. Things like that can really help. Thank you!
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