View Single Post
Marylin
Grand Magnate
 
Marylin's Avatar
Marylin has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: England,UK
Posts: 3,017
8 yr Member
863 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 10, 2019 at 04:29 PM
 
Yes,I have internalised homophobia.I am most definitely bisexual,I like and am turned on both by men's bodies and women's bodies.I have a deep shame though when trying to express my sexuality and can't accept my feelings or desires for sex with either men or women.Basically I fear getting hurt,by the physical act of intercourse and penetration either by a penis or someone's fingers and intimacy of the emotional kind scares me.

In my younger years I had a great deal of difficulty admitting sexual attraction to someone and my parents policed my sexuality and ensured I did not get involved emotionally in any sort of relationships.Lesbians scared me as I found them invasive in their interests in me both emotionally and sexually and both men and women objectified me and I felt empty and used and also I had excess weight which when I lost it caused me to be more attractive on the outside but no one was interested in who I was on the inside or how I felt.I was shamed a lot for my sexuality and couldn't own it,I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't.

I can't share sexuality or have sex or fall in love.I have never had problem pleasuring myself and I have experienced multiple orgasms that way.I do want to accept my bisexuality and have sexual relationships but cannot overcome my intimacy fears with either sex.Men and women scare me.I have been wounded and I feel vulnerable unable to expose myself and unable to trust.

My experience of the gay community was that they were very unwelcoming and just the fact that a lesbian was interested in me meant that I was expected to jump into bed or a relationship with them,whether I was into them or not,I found lesbians to want to force me into it,and men were only ever into me for sex.It was scary and humiliating and one experience made me deeply distrustful.

I had joined a co-counselling group where inexperienced amateurs played at giving each other therapy,one woman when it came to her turn to counsel me,Made me lie on the floor and kick a pillow with my feet and shout No at the same time,each time I shouted no,she made me get louder and louder until I was as loud as a loud hailer and screaming at full lung capacity, the whole house stopped and took note and I was shamed as a women who had no sexual boundaries and had been abused because of her inability to say no.I was asked by several people quite coldly if I felt better after that.It was not long previous to that that I had been sexually harassed and bullied by a group of students at university and I had been date raped by one of them.I was left raw and shaken by the whole ordeal of both the rape and the amateur counselling and no one had properly taken care of my emotions that day of the counselling session,and I never dealt with the rape incident.I just shut down and never wanted to get involved with man or woman after that.

So yes I have internalised shame about my sexuality and internalised homophobia as well as difficulty with my opposite sex attraction.

My experience is that of being rejected for my bisexuality by both society in the mainstream and by the gay community which itself has its bias and prejudices against bisexuals.I know that if society didn't have such a hard time accepting my bisexuality I wouldn't have struggled so much with accepting it myself.
Marylin is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
LifelongLoner, naturalemotion5, Travelinglady, whimsicalman
 
Thanks for this!
LifelongLoner