Hello Copia. Thank you for sharing your truth. I think that is an important part of moving through issues that trouble us...whatever the issues may be. I was just talking to my significant other about sex yesterday. How completely variable it is. All kinds of different thoughts and experiences and desires. Sexuality is one of the most complex (in my opinion) and often confusing aspects of the human condition and yet in so many societies there is this strange pressure to conform to only one form or expression of sexuality. That said, I understand why some of the thoughts you're having would trouble you. Though I am not judging. Why would I? You're a human with some unusual thoughts in your mind. I used to have a psychologist who when I was tough on myself would say: "Why so hard on yourself?? You didn't murder anyone!!" Then I'd laugh and feel a bit better.

Would you consider talking to a sex therapist? I had a friend who was really confused by her own sexuality and told me a sex therapist was really helping her. Honestly, until she told me about that it didn't even occur to me that some therapists specialize in sexuality. And now I feel silly for not realizing! Makes sense that some people are trained in sexual concerns and help people work them through. I realize it can be daunting to discuss these thoughts with a therapist (I've done therapy for issues not related to sex and that was still uncomfortable at times) but if you do some research on their background and experience you could find a great one!

You mentioned being a minor...would it be tricky for you to get an appointment with a therapist? I've not heard great things about school psychologists though I'm sure some must be better than others. You need not jump into specific details right away. You could just make an appointment with your local doctor and say you are growing up and want to learn more about your sexuality and you'd like to chat with an expert. I wouldn't seek a general PhD in psych because they may or may not be supportive on the sexual side of things. Whereas someone who actively chose to specialize in sexual matters is clearly going to be way more open and easier to talk to in the regard. Or I assume so anyway. Like I said, I had a female friend who really appreciated the advice of her sex therapist...even just a few sessions seemed to help her.

As someone not trained in therapy at all, to me it sounds like your brain is trying to figure out what you do and don't want for pleasure...like it's flipping through different options. Though that's just my thought as a non-professional in that area.

Try not to feel ashamed or embarrassed. Try to see this issue as a challenge or even a puzzle to work on until you find the peace and pleasure you seek. I wish you good luck!