Whatever this is called seems to be what causes me not to beable to hold a job... is it paranoia?

Im excellent in the beginning before people know me, work hard, focused, inspired. Then people start trying to ascociate with me and get closer and i become terrified?
As if i am being investigated to challenge if i am what i am presenting as, as my front may be too good to be true?

I do have a very complicated life... possibly it could be called a double life?

I am trying hard on the outside to do things right and be legit, but also underneath is the old one that self medicates and ascociates with the shadows of society?

Feel as if i may be one of only the few that are "awake" to the shenanigans all around... seeing the REAL world while everyone else focuses on themself and the life trap of work eat sleep repeat...

I see a much bigger deeper picture.
I see peoples fears, desires... i see operations being carried out on many different levels of society...
I see the ones behind the smoke and mirrors and also the ones pulling the strings...

I am overwhelmed by so much information...
I dont have vyvanse again which seems to make it more challenging...



Once my ex therapist said that i compartmentalize heavily.. but i am not so sure of that any more? As i cant seem to keep it together ... how can i create a safe compartment that i can lock and maintain just for work? So that when i am at work nothing else comes out and when i leave work i dont have a meltdown?



Also do anyone know of jobs that i would be able to work on a forklift all day, pull materials and unload/load trucks and manage warehouse ..?
I had the forklift job the longest and enjoyed it... just became too much when the heat hit and i started breaking down