OK, not going to write up Monday's and feel sort of weird writing up the consulting T one. Plus part of those are summarized in here.

T Thursday. A cancelled and then rescheduled session. Went back and sat down. I had trouble looking at T at first. Me: "I guess I need to talk about what's going on. Thanks for being willing to see me after I canceled." T: "Of course. I think it's better to discuss what's going on." Me: "I know the email stuff probably didn't make much sense." T: "Yes, I'm confused as to what's going on right now, so why don't you tell me what you're feeling?"

I started to cry. Me: "Damn it, didn't mean to start crying this early." I picked up the box of tissues and sat it next to me. Me: "I guess first...I need to share something with you." T: "OK." Me: "I ended up consulting with someone yesterday. I know I probably should have told you first, but it seemed kind of passive-aggressive to do that over email, like 'I'm upset with you, now I'm going to see someone else.' And I was originally going to try to see someone while you were away, but it turned out that she was away then, too, and she had an opening yesterday, so...I figured I'd go." T: "Well, I would have preferred if you'd told me first, but as I've said before you're completely free to consult with someone or see someone else for a while." Me (more tears): "Sorry for not telling you first." T: "It's OK. You're acting like you cheated on me or something." Me: "I guess I sort of feel like that?" T: "But you don't really owe me anything. This sort of fits with my saying the client has more power." Me: "I guess you could consult about me with...a client?" T: "Not really." Me: "Another T? But I guess it's not quite the same."

T: "Can you tell me what made you decide to get consultation now? I assume it was about your therapy in here, right?" Me: "Yes. It was just...after session on Monday, I just felt, like I said in the one email, despondent. I spent much of the rest of Monday and part of Tuesday crying off and on. My sending you the email...I should have waited to figure out more of what I was feeling before sending it. Because I know it may not have made a lot of sense why I was upset. But it's like, I just wanted the sadness to stop. And I was hoping your reply would help with that. But then it just felt, I don't know, kind of generic, I guess. And I'd just had an extra session last week, so I felt I couldn't ask for that. So I started looking at other T's on Psychology Today. And then Tuesday I emailed some, saying maybe I just wanted a session or two about an issue. One of the women who got back to me, I replied and said it was to consult about my therapy, and she said she'd be happy to help. She's someone who has a lot of training in attachment. She said she had a session yesterday open, so I just decided to take that because I was feeling so sad and felt I needed to discuss it with someone."

T: "OK. Do you want to talk about what you talked about with her?" Me: "I feel kind of awkward about it, but OK. I wasn't initially going to tell her your name,but then she asked, and I was kind of concerned that she would know you--and she doesn't. Actually I was worried by some freak chance it would be one of your backup T's." T: "Well, they both work out of this office. It would have been a bit passive-aggressive if you'd chosen one of them." Me: "Yeah...because then you might have seen me in the waiting room." T: "Exactly, like you were doing it just to make it clear that I knew what you were doing."

Me: "So with the T I consulted with, K, before I went in, I wrote up some notes. I didn't even end up looking at them. But I started with positive things from the therapy, then ended up writing...less-positive things?" T: "Side effects?" Me: "Yes, side effects, that's a good way to put it--you could list them on your business card in tiny print like in the drug ads." T: "Helps with depression but may cause a strange rash." Me: "Well, at least I haven't had the strange rash side effect yet!"

I mentioned a few things I talked to her about, including transference. And I told T that she said he clearly doesn't understand transference, that pretty much all adults in therapy have some form of transference. I forget what he said to that. Maybe nothing?

We went back to Monday's session and what had affected me so much. I talked about how I felt weird about our discussion about backup T's. How it turned out they were mainly just for crisis. And how he'd said if I liked one better and opted to switch to them, that would be problematic, because then one of them would have "stolen" his client. Me: "It bothers me because I'd like to think you would just want what's best for me, even if it's one of your backups. And the stolen makes me feel like property or something." He said that must have come out wrong. And that of course he does want what's best for me.

I said how with the dream, I'd figured we'd just end up discussing ex-MC. And he took it in a different direction than I'd expected, by saying he got the sense I wasn't getting what I needed from therapy. T: "Well, that's the sense I got from your dream. It seemed like your emotions in it were really strong." Me: "Yeah...but I guess it felt to me like you were saying, 'I can tell you're not getting what you need--or maybe want?--from therapy, but I'm not going to give it to you.' And I didn't know where to go with that. It suggested you felt like I needed to see someone else to get my needs met. And, like, I know that would be the ethical thing to do, but I guess there's this part of me that wanted you to be like, 'I want to make this work with you' or something. And then at the end, I asked you, 'Are you saying I need to see someone else?' And you said, 'We haven't figured that out yet,' it was just upsetting to me, but we only had a minute left, so..." T: "Well, we hadn't figured it out." Me: "Yeah...I guess not."

Me: "I guess I just think of a couple months ago when you said maybe I needed a more warm and fuzzy T." T: "I don't think I told you that--I think I asked if maybe that's what you thought would be better?" Me: "Yeah, I guess it was more of a question." T: "Have you thought about that more?" Me: "Well, it's like I said then, part of me wants that. But I think it would lead me down a bad path of being dependent, not wanting to leave them. Kind of like how you said if I hadn't had the rupture with ex-MC, you wondered if I'd ever leave him because of the good feelings I got." T: "Yes." Me: "It's like...the younger part of me, maybe the more emotional part of me wants that, but the more intellectual, adult part realizes that it's better for me in the long run to not be with someone like that." I forget what he said to that.

Me: "And with ex-MC, it's like you've said before, there was some enmeshment there." T: "Yes, you both definitely played into what happened there." Me: "Yeah, and I don't see any danger of you getting enmeshed with me."

I think I mentioned how he's said I think about therapy/therapeutic relationship too much. T: "I'm just concerned with how therapy is affecting you. You talk about being upset after session sometimes. And I worry that therapy is taking away energy that could be used in other parts of your life, like family or hobbies." Me: "Yeah, I think about that, too. I was talking to H the other night, and he said it's like I can lose a whole day at times, like being kinda out of it." T: "Yes, I don't want therapy to leave you feeling so bad." Me: "I mean, I know it's not like it's always going to be happy, like I'm going to be skipping and singing out of the office. But still...I'm not sure what the solution is. I'm going to be ruminating about something regardless because of how my mind works."

T: "I don't know. What do you think?" Me: "I mean, maybe I should try only coming once a week? Or take a break from therapy entirely?" T: "Or if you wanted to see someone else for a bit, you can always come back here." Me: "I know, thanks. Or maybe I just need to not discuss it so much with people, like if I took a break from PC?" T: "You seem to be thinking about this very scientifically. Any of those would be experiments you could try." Me: "And I guess none are irreversible." T: "Exactly. I'd only suggest that if you're trying something, you do that for at a minimum 10-14 days, so you could really tell the effects." Me: "Yeah, and if it was coming here less often, it would probably need to be longer." T: "Yes. But if you tried it and realized you needed to come in a second time, that would be OK too."

Me: "I guess another thing with being upset after session...it's that sometimes some major thing will come up in the last few minutes. Sometimes it's my doing--I told a friend I need a shock collar to stop me from doing that or something. But other times it's a comment you make." T: "Hm, so maybe we need to make the last 5 or 10 minutes lighter?" Me: "Yeah, maybe. Though then what if something came up with 11 minutes left?" T: "It's all stuff to think about." Me: "Yeah."

Me: "I figure I can see how things go and how I feel the week you're away. Because my intention is not to contact you at all, unless there was a major crisis." T: "If you end up emailing me, it's OK. I'll just reply the next day. It's not like you're a lawnmower I'm working on that I'd just throw a tarp over and get back to when I get home. You're a person, you're my client, and I have a responsibility to you." Me: "Thanks."

We were almost over time. T asked if I'd made any decisions. I said I wanted to stick with him for now, that I thought this had been a good conversation. Confirmed next week, went over to pay. He handed me a business card with both backup Ts' info on it. I thanked him and paid. As he shook my hand, T said: "Have a good weekend--doctor's orders!" I smiled and said, "Thanks, I'll do my best. You, too." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."

I'm not sure how well it came out in the writeup, but it really feels like he cares and just wants what's best for me. It felt like a good, important discussion, that I imagine will be an ongoing one. And I think it cleared the air about some things.