Thanks, that makes some sense.

Unfortunately, I probably enmeshed with the last T -- and the others -- as well. It feels like it was the safety mechanism I had developed with my family and culture of origin and which I never got to a T to help me out of it. And I couldn't tell when I was in the thick of it. Although over time I did begin to get inklings.

And the T's were unable to help because. . .I didn't luck out, or. . .because I tended to pick T's who enmeshed, too? It's rampant in my culture, and many T's are more conventional in temperament than I am. And I thought being able to get along with them was a sign of "health". Because I didn't know better. At any rate, they couldn't deal with working through the transference because of their own stuff?

So -- it's the chicken and egg. How could I have the autonomy and self-determination to go find another T when (aspects of) the self were so cut off and/or submerged? And dependent on the other to determine who I am, sort of?

I COULD NOT do that myself. Well, OK, so maybe the last T, or her consultation group, did see that -- and she terminated me.

Only, before that, I did lie on the sofa, after she shamed me for calling her a b***h, and logic said that was her error although emotion and relatedness disagreed, and habit would have me be the "bad guy" again, for the sake of the relationship and -- her approval?

I did decide that logic was the best path to take, so I guess that was a form of self-determination eventually, although the emotion and would-be relatedness have had a hard time going along with that.

That's been almost 3 years ago.

There's GOT to be a better way.