T and I started EMDR yesterday. He was so sensitive and attentive knowing that I had a bad experience with it before. He asked if it was OK to pull his chair up to mine and I said yes. He said he wanted to try the tapping instead of the eye movements and I told him I would prefer the tapping anyway. I spent most of my life terrified of men. I had a priest in college help me get to where I could function around men without going into an instant PTSD meltdown. But then when I went to graduate school I was too far away for the priest to keep helping me (but he has allowed me to keep in touch). I got married which has been a mixed bag... there are some ways I feel very safe with hubby and many ways I don’t. Even the priest never sat that close to me even though we hugged. So other than my husband I haven’t had a safe man that far into my personal space or touch me other than quick hugs. I guess I hadn’t thought about it. T was very cautious to be sure I felt OK with him there but I guess neither of us thought about the feelings that feeling safe would bring up. So, even though we were doing really safe stuff with the EMDR (building a container) I kept crying. I just wanted to stop and feel what it felt like to not be afraid, to not be in pain, to not have my heart racing. I just wanted to sit there and feel “normal”. I couldn’t put words to it so we just kept going with the EMDR. Feeling him touch my leg and not instantly cower and crumble in terror and pain was another new thing I guess we didn’t plan for. I knew I felt safe enough with T to be OK doing the EMDR but never thought about what feeling safe might bring up, or just the novelty of feeling it and wanting to stay in that space.
Yes, I told T in an email what I had been thinking and feeling. As always he was super supportive while still encouraging me to grow. He has committed to continue to affirm me in writing/emails until I have the courage to say what I am feeling in the moment. I have never had a male T before (lots of female T’s) I didn’t expect him to be so gentle, empathetic... well... so safe.

Anyone else have unexpected positive things come up from working with a T they trusted? I kinda expect to get triggered at points in therapy but didn’t expect to have to work through the positive feelings too.