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Old 02-13-2019, 12:53 PM  
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kuru has no updates.
Member Since: Feb 2019
Location: TN
Posts: 40
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Default character anxiety

so.. i dont really know how to start this

ive written about this issue in my little word doc/journal, ill just copy and paste it here

'I need to write something. I donít know about what. I just need to type the keys in my keyboard. It feels nice. It sounds nice.

I wish I didnít feel......

There's a story I want to write. A fiction. About another fiction. A fanfiction.

But... thinking about characters, not just from this one piece of media, gives me a weird sense of anxiety? It feels.. like the symptoms of a crush. Nervousness, blushing. But itís really uncomfortable. A crush is supposed to be pleasant right? I donít think I've ever really had a crush, so i donít know. I just know I wish I didnít feel like this. I wish it didnít happen. I donít know whatís wrong with me, and I donít know how to fix it.

While I may like these characters, unlike most people in a fandom, I donít really develop crushes or fall in love. I donít want to date or **** any character that I might like. Iím aromantic and asexual. But those feelings? Why do they happen? It doesnít make any sense.

Maybe itís me subconsciously judging myself.

Sometimes, when lying on my back or side, I feel like some entity is just.. There. I feel like.. Like my intimate parts are sometimes exposed... I guess. I donít know exactly how to describe it, but thatís basically it. Sometimes itíll feel that way for my chest too. And even when I'm trying to use the bathroom, that same kind of feeling will manifest, that I'm being watched or something, and itíll keep me from doing my business. I hated typing that. Why? Take a wild guess.

It's so uncomfortable. I wish it would just go away. What would you even call that type of mental state? A weird variant of anxiety? I donít know.

I try to tell myself itís just a ďbrain thingĒ and that itís not really there. But of course I already know that. But knowledge doesnít always thwart a feeling.

I want to write a certain character. But I just ****ing canít and...

I've talked about this to my friends. They said things about typical artist block remedies and about how.. I donít know, writing can be difficult and whatnot. But thatís not my problem, and it never has been, at least not yet.

Don't have ideas? Nope, got plenty of those. Confidence issues with the way you write? Not really.

It all just comes down to... writing and thinking about a certain character makes me so uncomfortable. Talking about them in regular conversation isnít so hard, but still in the very back of my mind thereís just that lingering feeling. And I want it to go away.'

it's a little thing i call character anxiety, but i have no idea what it is or why it's happening
it's okay to not be okay
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