so.. i dont really know how to start this
ive written about this issue in my little word doc/journal, ill just copy and paste it here
'I need to write something. I don’t know about what. I just need to type the keys in my keyboard. It feels nice. It sounds nice.
I wish I didn’t feel......
There's a story I want to write. A fiction. About another fiction. A fanfiction.
But... thinking about characters, not just from this one piece of media, gives me a weird sense of anxiety? It feels.. like the symptoms of a crush. Nervousness, blushing. But it’s really uncomfortable. A crush is supposed to be pleasant right? I don’t think I've ever really had a crush, so i don’t know. I just know I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish it didn’t happen. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I don’t know how to fix it.
While I may like these characters, unlike most people in a fandom, I don’t really develop crushes or fall in love. I don’t want to date or **** any character that I might like. I’m aromantic and asexual. But those feelings? Why do they happen? It doesn’t make any sense.
Maybe it’s me subconsciously judging myself.
Sometimes, when lying on my back or side, I feel like some entity is just.. There. I feel like.. Like my intimate parts are sometimes exposed... I guess. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, but that’s basically it. Sometimes it’ll feel that way for my chest too. And even when I'm trying to use the bathroom, that same kind of feeling will manifest, that I'm being watched or something, and it’ll keep me from doing my business. I hated typing that. Why? Take a wild guess.
It's so uncomfortable. I wish it would just go away. What would you even call that type of mental state? A weird variant of anxiety? I don’t know.
I try to tell myself it’s just a “brain thing” and that it’s not really there. But of course I already know that. But knowledge doesn’t always thwart a feeling.
I want to write a certain character. But I just ****ing can’t and...
I've talked about this to my friends. They said things about typical artist block remedies and about how.. I don’t know, writing can be difficult and whatnot. But that’s not my problem, and it never has been, at least not yet.
Don't have ideas? Nope, got plenty of those. Confidence issues with the way you write? Not really.
It all just comes down to... writing and thinking about a certain character makes me so uncomfortable. Talking about them in regular conversation isn’t so hard, but still in the very back of my mind there’s just that lingering feeling. And I want it to go away.'
it's a little thing i call character anxiety, but i have no idea what it is or why it's happening