MAY BE TRIGGERING

Bulimia is a horrid disease. I've had an eating disorder for over 17 years-first anorexia when I was 14 and after bulimia amd anorexia-bulimic type. It is not something I like; it abhors me and makes me feel filthy and gluttonous. I recently had a resurgence of the bulimia beginning in March and am starting to get a handle on it finally. It is hard as hell. As bulimia takes hold my anorexic thoughts begin to creeep back in, too and weight loss ensues and then I'm stuck battling both EDs.
Despite my hatred, though, there is that part of me that hasn't been able to let go. The binge/purge cycle, in the moment, provides a reprieve from the anxieties and mood issues (bipolar1) however fleeting,transient, and fugacious it may be. And that is what brings me back. That small frame of time where I feel free from all the terrible things going on.
But again, I hate it. I hate that it makes me feel worthless. I hate having my head in the toilet. I hate that I've spent thousands and thousands of dollars over the years on food that I just throw up. I hate the lying that underlies all eating disorders. I hate that I don't feel I can ever have a healthy relationship with food.
I could go on. But it is just more negativities.

I wish that we all could move to a healthier place with ourselves and our bodies and food. I truly wish that for all of us who battle against the self, the soul, our very beings, that we can get there.