I hate it, it's a constant battle.

I don't purge anymore as of the past three month (after 6 years of it, so I'm proud to have stopped that) but I still struggled with the bingeing so I reverted to restricting.

I try to hang on to the restricting side and convince myself since I'm not bingeing or purging that I'm doing well but I'm just lying to myself because I don't want want to admit that I'm still engaging in ED behaviors and lose control that I feel from not eating. When I binge I feel horrible about myself, completely disgusted and numb and when I purged I felt horrible about that too, and scared because I started learning about the health issues that can arise from it. I completely screwed up my teeth due to acid erosion and now have Silent GERD from the years of purging. Not huge problems, although frustrating, but I feel lucky that that's all I have and have somewhat escaped the worse dangers of it. Many people end up with much more serious health problems, and even die from it. It's not a way to live, whether bingeing/purging and or restricting. It consumes your life.

I am fighting everyday to get well, some days are better than others. Right now the biggest problem is the internal battle where I don't let myself eat when I'm hungry or not anywhere near enough, even though my body wants food more than anything because I'm depleting it nutritionally.