I can't go through explaining it sorry Hopefullylost.

And as to comparung others it's reality for a lot it never leaves until death. I just want to wipe my life from memory and move but that's not reality. Reality is I trapped in a few ways and have no options apart from a flawed mental health system. I know what I need and it's not out there and I can wipe my life although I've blocked fogotton a lot of it until my brain decides this makes you feel worse here think about this. Stuff this for life 5 years alone every Xmas etc birthday etc alone all the time with no absolutely no one who understands let alone truly asks how I am and really wants to know answer so they don't. See brave face for 5mins and leave stuff this life