Ugh. Really bad day today, and it's getting harder to be hopeful here.

I talked to my trainer yesterday, and he was great, as always. I told him how much better I felt the first week, so we agreed that I'd go back to just C4 this week, to see if that can help boost things again.

Except - he still thinks I should lower it, just a tiny bit (11.75 instead of 12).

After the conversation, I couldn't sleep - because I was in a panic over lowering the frequency. This is the same site that we tried lowering, back at session 3, and where I ended up feeling completely *drugged* and non-functional, and didn't even recognize my brain until late the next afternoon. It was horrible.

I spent some time thinking last night, and decided that with the level of utter dread I was feeling, I don't think that I want to jump into lowering the frequency. Next session, I'm going to stick with what I originally had (but lowering the time, since that may have been the issue).

Those first sessions, even though they made me feel nauseous after, were literally the only ones that had any sense of feeling good - they're the ones where I was still excited to try again, looking forward to training, and getting really good effects otherwise. I felt brighter, more energetic, and like it was easier to get things done. Like, "my brain but better". And, now that's pretty much all gone... and I'm back to being depressed, miserable, and pretty awfully hopeless feeling. On top of that, I realized that I'm having way more headaches then normal... woke up with a really bad one today that is making it difficult to focus/work, so much pain.

So, I guess I just wanted to complain. I'm not sure why it's taking so long to find something that works. I'm starting to worry that maybe I should have gone with someone that has more of a psychology background, rather than neuroscience, since I'm not honestly sure how much he gets all the psych stuff - or if he's even interested in that at all. I like him and think he's clearly incredibly smart and experienced, but maybe he doesn't usually deal with fussy, anxious, depressed, traumatized, overly self-protective and delta-producing exhausted brains like mine?

It's been three weeks of trying... I just... had hoped it would be a little better by now.

The flip side is, I can't imagine doing this with someone in an office. After some of the reactions that I've had, I don't know how I would have safely gotten myself home. I like being able to do this at home, and to go to bed after if I need to!

What I really wish... is that there was a nice retreat type of place, near forests and mountains, where you could go for a couple weeks, get started with NF (and take equipment home with you after the retreat), have really awesome healthy food, cooking classes, nutritional analysis, hiking and yoga and exercise, maybe some form of socializing with other people, maybe some animals to cuddle up with (puppies!) - etc. Some place to go and get away from all the day to day crap that makes it even harder to focus on figuring this stuff out.

I'm glad it's Friday. But omg... this headache... is just driving me nuts. And I have a meeting at 4:30 my time, end of the day, on a Friday, and I really just want to be done.

Thanks for listening and letting me rant. I feel bad that I'm not a better advertisement for the NF - I really believe that it can be incredible, but I just can't seem to get it to work (yet) for me. And, I so want it to!