hi, this is my first post on this site, i'm just gonna type a bit about my problem and see what anybody has to say.

i guess to start from the beginning, i am the middle child between two other siblings. growing up i was always the one that didn't really matter. i would do so much for my family, like chores and helping everyone out. but no matter what i always came last when to anyone looking out for me. my older sibling really bullied me and teased me. i felt like she used me and humiliating me as her way of getting the attention she needed, with no regard for me or how it affected me. my parents never did anything about this when i would go to them crying.
my relationship with my parents was pretty weird and hard to explain. i could never understand it or put it into words for any of the therapists i've seen since back then. they would use me, trick me into feeling guilty or feeling bad, manipulate me, and train me to believe if i ever made them sound bad or essentially spoke about what was really going on, i would be betraying them. it wasn't until just this past year that i realized that (i think) this was narcissistic abuse. i'm still a bit confused on this because while one of my parents fits the description of a narcissist 100%, the other parent who doesn't seem like it all was the main manipulator for me.

i always felt liek there was no reasoning with them. they didn't understand emotions. they would tell me "my thoughts" and honestly believe they knew what i was thinking even though they were never even close.
anyway i basically grew up with no friends. they made me feel like talking to kids at school was wrong. the one time i sort of had a friend in 5th grade, my teacher told them about her at parent teacher conference and they came home and teased me about it so i never talked to her again. stuff like that.
i had a very lonely childhood and things continued that way all through highschool and college. in highschool i started to get really sick but doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me. it was basically the build up of stress i'd been carrying around all these years that started to destroy my body. anyway i suffered without knowing the cause all through high school. dreading each day, i went to school, came home and sat in front of the tv or went on the computer until bed time. same with college. i missed out on all normal stages of teenage years and everything.

it wasn't until my last year of college that i finally started seeing a doctor that could begin helping me get on the right track for the treatment i needed for my health issues. while finishing school and being so sick, i basically spent all my free time traveling to doctors. my mom still basically controlled my life but i was too sick and too unaware of all i was missing because i had some really ****ed up ideas about how my life was meant to be miserable because i still didnt understand everything.

anyway it's been quite a few years since college. i've since had a few jobs but i have been having really bad luck with them (them not paying me or taking advantage of me probably bc i was raised to believe i am worthless and owe everything to everyone). i almost have my health back now but not fully yet. i'm nearing my late 20s but because of everything and all this time wasted with everything going on and having spent my whole entire life alone and away from people i really do have trouble getting hired and talking to people(anxiety). i still live with my parents though i do not speak to one of them anymore (because of sexual assault during childhood i didn't mention above but i've had that from quite a few oher family members as well). i am just feeling really stuck though. as long as i still live under their roof i still feel like i'm being controlled. i am scared to answer my phone or call people back for jobs and etc unless nobodys home. i'm scared to go out because leaving the house while they're home is so difficult and the whole time i just worry about being able to get back in. i'm not living in a very healthy situation and that also has a strong effect on my health.

i know this post is all over, it's late and i'm tired and having a hard time summarizing everything when there's just so much. i left a lot of things out but to summarize i had a really ****ed up childhood and it took over 24 years for me to start to realize all the issues my parents caused and i'm still working on them but there's no way to be free from them while i'm living here but i'm having a really hard time getting away from them because of all the issues they caused me. i'm trapped in a cycle, the same cycle for years and i'm really struggling to break out of it. and i'm scared and i don't even have any idea what to do with my life even if i did get out bc it seems so lonely and i'm not passionate about anything or motivated. i'm scared and broken and trapped.

this post is a mess, i know it. thank u to anyone who reads it.