I'm so sorry, Dnester It seems like you're going through a lot. I'm so sorry. It must be horrible to have these thoughts. Could they be intrusive thoughts? I'd suggest to talk to your Pdoc about this and see how it goes from there. Hopefully he/she will be able to help you. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope you'll be able to see your therapist soon. Hopefully she will be able to help you deal with these thoughts you're having. Perhaps that's the reason she asked you to start journaling? Stay strong, Dnester. Stay safe and take care of yourself. If things get bad, call an hotline or go to an hospital and ask for help. We care about you here. We all love you here. I hope you'll feel better soon. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this