I can't give you a diagnosis if that is what you are looking for Dnester. It does sound like you have deep trust issues due to your history of being molested. It's understandable that you don't want to experience certain kinds of physical contact, yet at the same time want to experience "safe" physical comforting like a caring protective mother would provide that in no way invades her child's space but instead genuinely comforts and protects her child.

The fact that you chose to say "we were molested like 5 times" shows me that you have different parts of you that developed due to your not having a chance to form your own identity and instead your inner discussion has different parts that you grew to develop in your effort to somehow self protect that very hurt invaded part of you.

Wanting to die speaks of the extreme helplessness you feel, it means you need help preferably from a therapist that specializes in "trauma therapy" so you can slowly regain your sense of self, or just develop a healthier sense of self despite experiencing the trauma you experienced.

hope that helps some ((Dnester))