(e.g. rape, problematic/immoral fantasies, suicidal themes)

I started having sexual feelings around the ages 12 or 13, but started masturbating even earlier, maybe around 7 or 8. This wasn't really a problem for me until I stumbled upon some really questionable online erotica at around 12/13 years old, which features themes of...well, let's say pretty dubious consent. In fact, thinking back on it, I'm pretty sure it was straight up rape erotica. I remember getting aroused and then coming back to re-read it several times, then looking for and reading a bunch of other similar erotica. Heck; I even wrote some of my own. I didn't get addicted to this or anything; I'm pretty sure I only did this once every few weeks or months or so, across the ages 13 to 14 or 15. I don't know if the erotica i read and wrote constitutes as real rape, (hence the question mark in the title) because by the end of most both parties end up getting into it and enjoying it, and it was incredibly non-violent. I also remember that, when I stumbled into more 'realistic' depictions of rape in stories, I.e. when one party definitely did NOT enjoy it and even straight up suffered, I got disturbed to the point of closing the tab and never trying to find it again.

As the years passed (ages 16 to now), my preference in erotica turned to more bdsm-esque themes; I love reading about power-plays in the bedroom, light bondage, and even some name-calling (e.g. master, pet, etc). I even had some sexual fantasies featuring bdsm themes; but, strangely enough, I never actually put myself into any of them, or either of the roles. Instead, I'd imagine either two faceless people or, more usually, fictional characters that I liked. I also fantasized about male/male sex, female/male and even female/female. I recognize that bdsm is completely healthy, but this isn't what has been worrying me.

What really HAS been worrying me is that just a few months ago, I happened upon a picture on the internet. I think it was a piece of fanart featuring two fictional characters I really liked (both male), but upon closer inspection of the fanart, I think one of them was actually sexually assaulting the other (it was a really messed up piece of fanart, now that I think about it). I felt a twinge of something upon looking at it, but I didn't really think much of it and let it pass out of my mind. I only just recently remembered this, but now I have a really bad feeling that 'twinge' I felt was actually arousal. Then, I started to remember all the rape and dubcon (dubious consent) erotica that I read and wrote when I was younger, and got really super scared. Im starting to worry if I only liked bdsm-esque erotica because it had somewhat similar themes to rape (e.g. the power imbalance, bondage, etc), and how sickening it was that I felt aroused by rape and themes of sexual assault. I started to mentally review all the erotica I've ever read, all the sexual fantasies I've ever had, and obsessed over that 'twinge' i felt when I saw that piece of fanart. I'd force myself to remember the art again and again just to gauge my reaction, and while sometimes I'd feel nothing and maybe even disturbed by it, other times I feel that twinge of arousal again, and I'd become so scared that I feel physically sick.

Now, thinking over my reaction to the fanart, my history of reading and even writing rape erotica when I was younger, and my preference for power imbalances in sexual contexts, I've gotten super scared as to what this might all mean for me. The scary thing is that, since I generally didn't insert myself into the stories and fantasies, I actually don't know if I wanted to be the one raping or being raped. Both sound really horrible to me; but I could cope with the latter because at least it means I'd know for sure I'd never hurt someone. I mean, I've always thought I preferred the more submissive role in the bedroom (though I've never actually had sex before), I'm now questioning even that. What if I've actually always secretly wanted to be the dominant one? What if I'm actually a budding rapist, and might hurt someone one day? I'm terrified of that. I don't want to hurt anyone, and sometimes I think, if it comes to it, I'd gladly end my life before hurting someone that way.

or actually even rape them?

because I find something as horrible as rape arousing. Sometimes I even briefly contemplate ending my life so I can definitely be sure I'll never hurt someone, but I don't think I have the courage. Ive also never been sexually abused or anything.