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Old 02-19-2019, 12:46 PM
sweetelisum sweetelisum is offline
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Member Since: May 2009
Location: TN, USA
Posts: 2
sweetelisum sweetelisum is offline
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Member Since: May 2009
Location: TN, USA
Posts: 2

10 yr Member
Default Resurfacing urges..and overall frustration

I haven't posted anywhere in a very long time, partially out of self imposed isolation, but also, embarrassment.
I started using SI to cope extremely early on (7 or 8), and was heavily into it from my teens to mid 20's, but somehow managed to have long lapses after that, where something minor would happen here or there, but not a full blown relapse.
Now, at 34... it seems as though the frequency in which I "slip up", or find myself overwhelmingly mentally fixated on doing so has increased substantially.
I can't help but feel embarrassed in a sense... Shouldn't I be over this? I've lurked in groups I used to go to, and while I know SI is not age discriminatory, seeing mainly teens has somewhat prevented me from reaching out to anyone. Not to mention my partner of 14 years with whom I've separated (We still live together until he decides to move nearly out of state, that's another complicated matter in itself.) has seen marks on me on one or two occasions recent..and has gone from a previous lack of understanding/compassion,to frustration and disgust... "Will you ever grow up?!", "You haven't seen a doctor for your depression, now this?, and you wonder why I don't want to work on 'us' anymore?".
I dunno, the last few years have felt like a spiral. I quit work 2 years ago to take care of him when he nearly died from a major health issue, and in the process because an agoraphobic, PTSD ridden wreck that only leaves the house once or twice a month despite his miraculous recovery. Sometimes I feel like the only reason he still lets me stay here while being unable to work is due to the fact that he feels indebted to me for saving his life...Not that I can't sense the resentment of course, but I guess I might feel the same way if the tables were turned.
Either way, I guess I'm just trying to get all of this out of my head. Since I've become such a recluse and no longer feeling comfortable discussing it with a majority of people irl.
Anywho, thanks for listening at very least. Not sure what the game plan is or if I'll actually do anything, but at least writing about it was preventative for the time being.
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