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Old 02-20-2019, 02:46 PM
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Member Since: Dec 2008
Location: Northern Europe
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Jimi the rat
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-jimi- is a vermin. Please feed me anyway.
 
Member Since: Dec 2008
Location: Northern Europe
Posts: 6,054

10 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Explaining autism to someone autistic

Note this text is horribly long, I should have shortened it but my mind wants to go to sleep soon.

I know I have been at this before, but it is getting into almost a crisis situations. I have a real life friend that is not like my best friend, but unfortunately I think I'm hers...

I have aspergers and because she wasn't born here they were told when she was little that it is better to just practice than to put a label on her. A label would not have helped her in that situation and country.

As I see it she is below normal IQ and autistic. Of course I cannot be sure, but this would have been her initial diagnosis if she had gotten one. Whatever she is dealing with, something is different about her.

For some strange reason she only connected with aspies online (we talk online too), and they too say they think she is autistic.

I wouldn't say anything is really wrong with her, she is quite adorable, and makes up in singing and art what she cannot do academically or socially. In her school they made things learn even with learning disorders, by hitting them. So when she was little, she spent her time on school work. She actually managed to graduate from junior high, because she was stubborn and also she had to retake the grades until done. Academically she's on a 14 year old level which is really high for her functioning and proves how hard she really battled in school. Poor girl.

She is really adorable, friendly, cute and can be outgoing if the situation isn't too complex. She hates both being left out or having own time. She has a hard time keeping friends because her social ways. She wants me to explain all the social rules so she won't mess up again, and I try to explain there are so many they cannot all be explained. We made some progress though, she learned the back and forth play we do when we talk. She didn't know how to before.

When something becomes the slightest abstract, I am lost, and she gets frustrated I can't explain. A simple example is how she asked me to teach her how to read maps, but she doesn't understand how the map can symbolize the world. I tried different approaches.

She has a lot of shortcomings, mainly because she was mainstreamed and still is, after moving to my country. She asks me if she has a problem with this or that and gives examples, so she knows there is something going on. I tell her yes, she is correct. I try of course to not hurt her and stress how we're good at different things.

Even though she has different issues, she never understood how people can piece them together and call it autism. So the word autism is a mystery to her. I want to demystify it, and also really make her understand it doesn't make her subhuman.

I think she feels bad about herself because of constant rejection, she accidentally treats people bad so they leave.

Thing is does she need to know she has neuropsychiatric issues of different kinds? Her parents say no (she is an adult). But I want things to make sense to her and make her understand what her weak and strong points are.

As things are now, her mom gets mad at her for not starting to be normal. The mom says it is a choice. One day you simply decide you're normal and then you are. This made my friend try things that were way too hard for her, like jobs where she was fired the first week.

She tells me her mom says shes normal so she should continue looking for these jobs, I mean these days when it's hard for a "normal" to get a job, how can she keep one? It just hurts her to fail again. But she asks me how I can know that she's not normal, she says it's not possible for me to draw that conclusion. She is just waiting on growing mentally and thinks it is a growing process that is just a little late for her. I understand it is hard for her to hear she might have autism, but the let downs from others and the constant failures aren't good either.

I have told her she is still a human being even is she has autism. I tell her I have a type of autism called aspergers. And does she think I'm bad or lazy or subhuman. She says no, not you, you're smart and knows everything. I tell her I am not normal, that doctors told me, but I still think I am a person the world could count on and that has worth. But it doesn't help. She cries herself to sleep every night because as she put it she didn't grow up and everyone around her did.

Should I give up telling her she has a neuropsych condition? It's not like I say it every day or anything like that. Do I harm her by doing so? Should I just take everything the way she want, every problem step by step, thing is she gets in trouble every day, and she could easily talk to me 4-5 hours to have me explain. I don't have that kind of time.

I also tell her that if she gets to stay in the country, there are special programs for people like her, good programs, good help. I had some of those myself. But she says she'd rather have a normal job. Sigh.

The most dangerous thing in all this is that she refuses to use her own shortcomings (she can't shop for clothes, cannot cook, can't do laundry, can't buy groceries unless her mom gave her a list, and she can't even take care of her own hair, her mom does that for her) as a compassionate case in the asylum process. So rather to "be autistic with a bit low IQ and maybe learning disorders", she wants to risk being kicked out to the country.

How could she ever support her parents there, they are getting up there and are not healthy, so as a daughter she is supposed to be their caregiver. In a country that doesn't even have built up infrastructure after the war. It's like her mom rather put the family in that situation, that "use" her daughter's condition to be able to get asylum in my country. I understand they feel more shame than we do, but this is life and death.

Sorry to be so lengthy. She doesn't like to read but she loves Youtube. You think it would be any help whatsoever to give her links to videos by people who have autism?

Or should I just accept she cannot group symptoms together in her head and just be a friend? But it seems like in this case, just being a friend could take some destructive parts I am afraid of.

At this point as an asylum seeker, she has no right to mental help else than pills.

I want her safe in a warm house in my country, with help to rebuild her self esteem and help for autism, and also practical help. It saddens me to think that she might have to live in the ruins of a house with a lot of demands on her.

They already rejected the family's first asylum application.

Any idea is welcome. She does not do forums, she has to be one to one to function.
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