I've tried to reply to this post a couple of times & ended up deleting what I wrote because it ended up seeming wordy & pointless. I don't know if you're talking about all of this with anyone in real life. But, at least from my perspective, I think you probably are going to have to sooner or later if you want anything to change.
I'm old now. And for most of my life any hint of mental illness was considered something to be feared & ashamed of. I learned very early in life that there were things about myself I must never talk about with anyone. And so I never did. And, as a result, nothing ever changed. In fact what I'm finding is that, as I age, I'm gradually losing my ability to keep it all stuffed down. If you don't find a way to talk through your struggle with someone in real life, I fear you may well end up like me. Please don't follow in my footsteps. They don't lead anywhere you want to go...