Quote:
Originally Posted by CrystalGirlx
Ever since I can remember I have been impulsive. I have slept with probably over 60 men in my life, at I am only 28. A first date goes well, and I am just off right to bed. This has toned down in recent years, as I have had LTR's. However, when the LTR didn't work out I was automatically right back to wanting to date. When I was broken up with my abusive ex I slept with about 4 people. I feel guilt and confusion.
I get very angry, and I often lash out at people for simple things. I have driven away boyfriends due to my outbursts. I call excessively, I always want constant contact. I put up with horrible abuse during my last two relationships, but couldn't bare to be alone.
I ended up having to file for bankruptcy because I over spend and racked up $12,000 worth of credit card debt. I can't keep a job other than one that is very menial. I was working as a legal secretary and I just couldn't focus. I ended up getting fired because I was forgetting things constantly and using the computer for random browsing. I have no ability to sit and work on anything. My organization skills are atrocious, and I have difficulty managing money.
I am finally getting around to college. I am in my last year of my associates, and really trying. I am not unintelligent, my grades are actually half way decent but my organization is poor. My note books are all over the place. I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do with my education. One minute I want to go to nursing school, the next...I want to be a teacher, the next I wanted to be a social worker. I get so revved up about these things and then lose interest. I have only give I think one or two jobs a notice if I want to quit. Sometimes I just stop showing up completely and without even having had another job lined up.
I don't feel like my own individual person sometimes. My one friend once told me I don't have any likes or dislikes. If you were to ask me what I like to do I wouldn't even be able to answer the question. I have no hobbies. I come home, I study, I watch movies. My "hobbies" all are piggy-backed off of dating partners. I have also been told I constantly talk about myself. I actually feel physical pain (almost like nails on a chalk board) when someone other than a romantic partner says I love you or tries to hug me. I do not like affection from anyone other than a partner. I feel very disconnected.
I don't feel self sufficient. I was thinking BPD.
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Dont feel bad about the things you've done. Learn from them and try to control your urges. It does work with practice and with meds if the doctor sees its needed. I'm on a mood stabilizer and antianxiety medication for my bipolar. I personally don't like to be on a lot of medications.
From 22 to 25 I went on a sex spree. I don't know the count but my relationship would last no more than 2 weeks. Sex right off the bat. The girlfriends I did have before I was 22 were quite horrible and abusive. I've spend thousands and thousands on stupid things from one great hobby or idea to the next or so I thought.
I'm bipolar 1 since I was 5 years old. I've had a lot of time to learn from a ton of bad choices. As well as learning from other bipolar people like myself to control my emotions and urges. I've tried all kinds of ways to cope but having friends like yourself is what helps me.
Also it's not really about sex but trying to fill that emptiness. Finding someone you really love and they love you back. The crazy thing I'm able to get a date with ease but from all the women I've dated I choose the worse ones. I've noticed this is the trend and the only explanation I've come up with is we pick the worse ones because we feel the good ones won't like us when they know we're bipolar. I dont like to be alone so when I'm not in a serious relationship I'll have my date spend the night.
Message me if you want to talk. I can't sleep since I've got a lot on my mind. Sleeping very little to nothing is another symptom I have when I'm manic.
Hang in there.