Thats Eve for this thread. As a new member I am trying to do the right thing and have been put on ignore for not agreeing with an OP or maybe not saying what the OP wants to hear. When I do that I do not mean to minimize its just that some posts dont really specify if they are asking for advice, opinions or just venting. I try and say If i welcome comments or am just venting.
I think support can also be a gray area. When I relapsed 6 years ago a person from another online forum I belong to had my phone number because we texted and she knew I was in trouble. She called me (the only time ever because she only texts) and she served it to me real. I needed to hear that. I always text her on my sober anniversery and thank her for showing me the light. When she said what she said to me oh how I cried! I was indignant and argumentative. I couldn't believe she was saying these things instead of "supporting me". Earlier that day I had post a very "woe-is-me" I am an alcoholic post looking for pity and validation. When I didn't get it I thought everyone was against me and hated me. I felt betrayed. THAT was a perception I had when I was actively in the throws of alcoholism. I didn't need to hear sweet things and get pity or pats on the back. I needed to hear that I was making a choice to stay sick and hurt my family. I needed to hear that I was the only one who could get help and that I had to get honest and tell my secret and get well. So for me, that was AA. I haven't had a drink since 12/13./12 and I owe it all to the folks who didn't tell me what I wanted to hear and said things that hurt but were true.
I look at some of the posts here like that. Sure I could say what someone wanted to hear but if I have experience or strong feelings about something then I guess its a risk to say what I have to say. I try very hard to say it as straight forward as I can and I try to be sensitive. I make mistakes and when I do I always apologize. Sometimes I wish the people who ignored me gave me that opportunity but what can I do?
I also struggle with "toxic" and "retraumatizing" Sometimes it seems that saying that is used to shut someone down. And that isnt my intent. I do not ever want to be seen as a victim blamer but if people do not agree with something I post and just say I am toxic and traumatizing them it puts me in a position of trying to explain myself which looks like defensiveness. I do not know what to do when that happens. On one hand some people are geniunely mean and inflammatory and you can always tell by the way they post- all these flippant sarcastic, unkind statements and one-liners. But I do not think I post like that but can get swept up into the toxic person pile. I am still working through what to do when that happens. I know I have gone on for a while here but really feel passionate about what you shared. Thank you again for being brave enough to say these things.