Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets
Thats Eve for this thread. As a new member I am trying to do the right thing and have been put on ignore for not agreeing with an OP or maybe not saying what the OP wants to hear. When I do that I do not mean to minimize its just that some posts dont really specify if they are asking for advice, opinions or just venting. I try and say If i welcome comments or am just venting.
I think support can also be a gray area. When I relapsed 6 years ago a person from another online forum I belong to had my phone number because we texted and she knew I was in trouble. She called me (the only time ever because she only texts) and she served it to me real. I needed to hear that. I always text her on my sober anniversery and thank her for showing me the light. When she said what she said to me oh how I cried! I was indignant and argumentative. I couldn't believe she was saying these things instead of "supporting me". Earlier that day I had post a very "woe-is-me" I am an alcoholic post looking for pity and validation. When I didn't get it I thought everyone was against me and hated me. I felt betrayed. THAT was a perception I had when I was actively in the throws of alcoholism. I didn't need to hear sweet things and get pity or pats on the back. I needed to hear that I was making a choice to stay sick and hurt my family. I needed to hear that I was the only one who could get help and that I had to get honest and tell my secret and get well. So for me, that was AA. I haven't had a drink since 12/13./12 and I owe it all to the folks who didn't tell me what I wanted to hear and said things that hurt but were true.
I look at some of the posts here like that. Sure I could say what someone wanted to hear but if I have experience or strong feelings about something then I guess its a risk to say what I have to say. I try very hard to say it as straight forward as I can and I try to be sensitive. I make mistakes and when I do I always apologize. Sometimes I wish the people who ignored me gave me that opportunity but what can I do?
I also struggle with "toxic" and "retraumatizing" Sometimes it seems that saying that is used to shut someone down. And that isnt my intent. I do not ever want to be seen as a victim blamer but if people do not agree with something I post and just say I am toxic and traumatizing them it puts me in a position of trying to explain myself which looks like defensiveness. I do not know what to do when that happens. On one hand some people are geniunely mean and inflammatory and you can always tell by the way they post- all these flippant sarcastic, unkind statements and one-liners. But I do not think I post like that but can get swept up into the toxic person pile. I am still working through what to do when that happens. I know I have gone on for a while here but really feel passionate about what you shared. Thank you again for being brave enough to say these things.
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Hello Sarah. Thank you for sharing your truth. You wrote a very interesting post. I was wondering if I could clarify a couple of things with you.
You mentioned your struggle with chem dep. And how you needed "to be told it straight." I just wanted to add that PC is not designed to treat people with chem dep or any other illness for that matter. Members here do not have a responsibility to assess or treat someone else's mental health concerns. The only person here who is qualified to do that is DocJohn. But he still isn't going to be assessing or treating folks here because it's a website and that wouldn't be possible. I work in healthcare but I am NOT on PC in that role. That's why you won't find my particular credentials or job title in any of my posts. I am here only to seek and offer support.
I just wanted to clarify that because to me your post almost suggested that if we read a post on PC where someone is struggling with chem dep (or another illness) we must take it upon ourselves to sort that person out and get them on the right track. That would not be appropriate for several reasons. I think that's why we keep coming back to the "supportive" word because realistically what else can we be doing here as members who are not psych providers on a website?
What I've noticed on some threads is that some people do seem to be trying to "fix" or "cure" a poster which then leads to judgmental, pressuring or even shaming posts. Does that make sense to you Sarah? I am not saying that's what you do. I'm sharing examples.
Also, I would encourage everyone here not to assume that they should respond to others in the way they'd like people to respond to them. A "straight-talker" could be replying to someone who finds that style rude. There are also some passive-aggressive folks who preface posts with "No offense but..." or "I don't mean to be harsh but...." and then they proceed with an offensive or harsh comment. I'm not suggesting that you do that Sarah. Those are just some examples that I have noticed. We've all met that person in the non-PC world, right, "No offense but that outfit looks terrible on you. I'm not being rude, I'm just really honest."
I believe that if we ALL as a group stepped back and realized that we aren't here to treat or fix people, things would go more peacefully. There shouldn't be a sense of pressure or urgency to change people. We cannot change anyone. People change on their own terms in their own way usually as a result of trauma. What we can do on PC is share ideas or offer a hug or a thoughtful response...that's as much as any of us can do. Whether the issue is depression or chem dep or an attachment to a married person. As soon as one of us tries to treat or fix or change, I think that's when problems quickly arise.
Just my thoughts. Thanks again for sharing your truth Sarah. You are very brave.