Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets
Thats Eve for this thread. As a new member I am trying to do the right thing and have been put on ignore for not agreeing with an OP or maybe not saying what the OP wants to hear. When I do that I do not mean to minimize its just that some posts dont really specify if they are asking for advice, opinions or just venting. I try and say If i welcome comments or am just venting.
I think support can also be a gray area. When I relapsed 6 years ago a person from another online forum I belong to had my phone number because we texted and she knew I was in trouble. She called me (the only time ever because she only texts) and she served it to me real. I needed to hear that. I always text her on my sober anniversery and thank her for showing me the light. When she said what she said to me oh how I cried! I was indignant and argumentative. I couldn't believe she was saying these things instead of "supporting me". Earlier that day I had post a very "woe-is-me" I am an alcoholic post looking for pity and validation. When I didn't get it I thought everyone was against me and hated me. I felt betrayed. THAT was a perception I had when I was actively in the throws of alcoholism. I didn't need to hear sweet things and get pity or pats on the back. I needed to hear that I was making a choice to stay sick and hurt my family. I needed to hear that I was the only one who could get help and that I had to get honest and tell my secret and get well. So for me, that was AA. I haven't had a drink since 12/13./12 and I owe it all to the folks who didn't tell me what I wanted to hear and said things that hurt but were true.
I look at some of the posts here like that. Sure I could say what someone wanted to hear but if I have experience or strong feelings about something then I guess its a risk to say what I have to say. I try very hard to say it as straight forward as I can and I try to be sensitive. I make mistakes and when I do I always apologize. Sometimes I wish the people who ignored me gave me that opportunity but what can I do?
I also struggle with "toxic" and "retraumatizing" Sometimes it seems that saying that is used to shut someone down. And that isnt my intent. I do not ever want to be seen as a victim blamer but if people do not agree with something I post and just say I am toxic and traumatizing them it puts me in a position of trying to explain myself which looks like defensiveness. I do not know what to do when that happens. On one hand some people are geniunely mean and inflammatory and you can always tell by the way they post- all these flippant sarcastic, unkind statements and one-liners. But I do not think I post like that but can get swept up into the toxic person pile. I am still working through what to do when that happens. I know I have gone on for a while here but really feel passionate about what you shared. Thank you again for being brave enough to say these things.
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Hi Sarah. Thanks so much for sharing. I don’t have much time to reply since I’m at work on a brief break but I wanted to thank you kindly for your post.
To add to what you’ve said, I think straight talk can be helpful let’s say in the case of domestic abuse for example. When a member is being abused and they are not aware that it is emotional/verbal abuse- other members then point out the abuse and identify for that member the abuse tactics being used. In this example situation, the member is asking for help because they’re In great pain and turmoil. I know I have used straight talk coupled with compassion with members (along with several other straight shooting members who are trying to help the abuse victim) to gain an understanding of what is happening to them. In this situation, I think straight talk may be more necessary. That is just an example.
Shoot. I have to get back to work so I can’t elaborate further or go into greater detail, but I think in general that when members use straight talk on here they’re generally trying to help the OP see another viewpoint with a genuine interest and care in seeing the member get out of a bad situation. I can see in other situations where it may not be helpful, however. I know I personally get particularly incensed by domestic abuse and I hate to see a member getting abused by their partner.
And Sorry, I have to cut short but I wanted to say I appreciate your input and thoughts.