I want to thank all for the responses. I was abused verbally as a child, as well as sexually (no physical touching, but an uncle watched porn with me at 11).

I think FriendlyJoe hit it with trying to fill the empty feeling. It isn't even just that I want sex, I just want to be accepted by the person and feel like I don't have any qualities to offer other than sex.

I did think of bipolar but I don't feel as if I actually have any type of manic episodes. My credit card bills climbed from going out to bars with my ex, paying, and then never paying the bills. Constantly going out to eat. Then I got fired, and continued to drink/eat and over spend with the card and do these things for 3 years and bam...hello amex $12,000 bill.

I have a terrible fear of abandonment and end up just up and sleeping with some real assholes. Like the never call you back again type assholes.

I don't see it more as manic sprees, more so just desperate attempts for affection.

Sarah, relating to your behavior in high school I do wonder though because I did similar things. I was in a LTR with a young man around 24 when I was 18-20. The relationship grew very dull for me, and I couldn't become aroused anymore. I ended up cheating, and cheating bad. Like I found some guy in the neighborhood who hosted wild parties and I just became a living sex doll there. I had an affair with a married man, then cheated on married man with guy A. I think about everything I did now, and I just want to crawl in a hole and die. What I put that poor guy through. I see now 10 years later hes married with two kids...meanwhile I am 28, pregnant, working for 10.50 an hour and just finishing an associates.

I often wonder why. It wasn't for sex. I actually have a relatively low sex drive. I feel like I relate sex to affection, but can't relate emotion to affection in some way. When the sex grew dull between us I panicked and went nuts.

Now my relationships have just been super poor. My prior bf before my ex fiance cheated on me for the entire two years, and even when I found out and was receiving death threats from the girl I STILL stayed. my ex "fiance" was a narcissist prone to severe rages. When I say severe, I mean like....you have to run out of the house because you are afraid he is going to do something to harm you. I had to leave one night barely clothed because he threw my phone against a wall which ended up cutting my hand up. He then started climbing on top of me calling me "the most worthless person in existence". I believe he may have been bi polar. He would work late into the night, wake at odd hours and work endlessly. Get his sights set on certain businesses then abandon them. Sometimes he would be perfectly normal during the day, and I would get nudged awake at like 4 am to be raged at for things. I would fall asleep, but he'd get up after and spend the night "analyzing" the situation. He was legitimately a wonderful person to be around, and a terrifying one all at the same time. I definitely sensed he had manic episodes. Therapist I told about him said bi polar or/ and NPD. This is the type of person when I hear about bi polar disorder I think of. I mean I could possibly have it, but I just can't really place some of my behaviors as manic more so than just a desperate attempt at feeling like I belong or feeling disconnected.

I think I am just growing older, and not as confident in myself to date anymore so now I am latching on to these toxic people for stability. My ex has been abusing me since about 3 months into the relationship...but he stayed. He proposed. He wanted to get me pregnant. All things that NO ONE has ever wanted with me. But now I have to start realizing that no one wanted them because it just wasn't the right time or person. Not because I am flawed. I spent too much time keeping people that weren't right out of fear.

Which is why I say BPD. I dated someone about 5 years ago for about 2 years who was also toxic. He even once said to me after attending his friends wedding he "cried because he wanted to find a love like that."...while I was sleeping next to him. Then, he told me once he thought he felt love for me, but it didn't continue. I told a few friends this and they were like, "holy god I would have gotten up and drove home."