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New Member
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 5
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Feb 27, 2019 at 02:01 PM
Alright. So! Where to start...
Oh! I know! Let’s start with the tactile hallucinations. (I looked up what they’re called and this is what came up- hope it’s right!) So. Sometimes I feel needles sticking into me. Not like pins and needles, I mean actual needles. Sticking into my arms, neck, back, ankles, you name it, and injecting something into me. Terrifying. I hate needles. Another one! Hands! Sometimes I also feel hands all over me. Moving around, touching me. It’s not always *ahem* appropriate… ahaha… Also terrifying. Whoop-dee-doo. Anyways! Next one! Another thing is that I sometimes feel bugs all over me. Crawling. Sometimes they crawl into my ears, nose, and mouth. I hate it. I hate all of this. A few more things that are hard to really put a name to are: things sliding down my throat, something choking me, hair pulling, and I sometimes feel like I’m being stabbed, though that might be something else. Sometimes these are triggered by an image or something someone has said, but most of the time they just happen out of nowhere. Wow. Cannot believe I just wrote a full paragraph just about this. Let’s move on to the next subject before it happens again. Writing about it is another newly found trigger.
So hi. I’m a fourteen year old female. Call me J for right now. Don’t really want to disclose my name on a public site, but I thought it was important for you to know my age and gender. Anywho. I’m a really disorganized writer, I’m just realizing. So. I’ll talk about my life now, I guess. As of now, I live with my biological grandparents that are also my adoptive parents. I have lived with them since I was four. Years three and below, however, are a different story. That was when I lived with A and N. A is my biological mother and N was almost my step dad. When I lived with them, I suffered through physical abuse. You know how you’re not supposed to form memories until around three years old? Well I guess I broke that rule, because I remember almost everything. The only thing I don’t remember is when I was in foster care, Which I was until I was 18 months old, because my biological father had hit me. I don’t remember him, either. Anyways. One of my earlier memories is being dragged down the street by my hair by N. That might give you a good idea of it all. Fun, right? Alright. On to current life. My mom and dad (grandma and grandpa) are verbally abusive. I think. Honestly, at this point I don’t know. Maybe this is normal. Mom calls me things such as *****, floozy, *****, ****, lazy, stubborn, witch, bully, liar, and jerk. My dad calls me things such as asshole and donkey. They constantly compare me to people and insult my friends. (Not in front of them, of course. They’re too polite for that.) Nothing I do can make them proud of me, either. I think they regret ever taking me in, because my mom constantly tells me of the life she could have had if she’d never have adopted my brother and me. Oh, by the way, my brother doesn’t get any of this. He just gets in trouble for staying up all night and things like that. Even then, sometimes he doesn’t. He’s very clearly the favorite child. Next!
I started having suicidal thoughts around fourth or fifth grade, and I think I started falling into a depression at around second grade. Who knows. I haven’t been diagnosed with anything besides ADD yet. I’ll talk more about why later. I have self harmed in the past. Nothing <too> bad, but it’s happened.
I’m dreading summer. I’m almost a month clean, though! For some reason, this always happens at the beginning of the year. I’m going to try to make it past February next year  . Oh! And the heart was the year before last and last year. Sorry. I’m a bit of an oversharer. Which you might find strange when I talk about the thing I said I’d talk about later. Speaking of which..
Therapy is not an option. I’ve tried to talk to my mom about it and she writes it off as me being stubborn and lazy, as well as using my ADD as a crutch. Uhm, excuse me? I guess she says this because my last therapist said I was fine, because I.. well, I lied to her. I didn’t want to be any more of a burden than I already was. I know that was a bad idea. I know I should have talked about everything. But I didn’t. I’m an idiot. So.. Any advice?
(There’s so much more I could talk about, like my unpredictable mood swings that are stronger than a hurricane, or my unstoppable need to feel needed. Or how I’ve started dissociating from reality. But I’m starting to get paranoid that my parents are gonna find out i wrote this.)
Last edited by bluekoi; Feb 27, 2019 at 11:31 PM..
Reason: Add triggger icon. Apply trigger code.
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