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comethisfar
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Member Since: Sep 2014
Posts: 116
8 yr Member
Default Feb 28, 2019 at 06:17 PM
 
Nathalie87, I am so sorry for your suffering and confusion. I have lived with my BPD partner for the last 15 years. I could write a book about how recognizable the behaviors you are describing are: the push and pull, the roller coaster of every day, how your plans, your situation changes in an instant and you never see it coming, how exhausting that is, how you try to better yourself to deal with it, yet you are still at the mercy of every one of his reactions.....but comiserating will not help answer your very specific question: will he come back and do you have a chance at being together? Well, of course I can not speak for him, he is an individual and even though he has some mental health issues, he makes his own individual decisions. But I can share a little bit about „typical“ Borderline behavior: it‘s likely that he will make contact again, just as likely that he will pull back again, for hours, days, weeks and one day maybe for good. There is a book about living with a BPD partner titled very appropriately „I hate you don‘t leave me“ that describes this never-ending roller coaster. I personally like „Stop Walking on Eggshells“ by R Kreger a lot. She says at the end of her book that the most powerful predictor of whether a BPD and a non-BPD partner stay together is the BPD‘s willingness to work on his/her mental health. I totally agree! My partner was not diagnosed when we met and so I spent many years very confused and desparate, in therapy myself individually and in utterly misguided partner therapy ....until a Psychiatrist set me straight and told me in no uncertain terms that it was likely my partner suffered from more than the depression he was diagnosed with at the time and that I needed to decide whether I wanted to be treated with respect and dignity. As a result, I set some boundaries for my partner. I did not „demand“ therapy or treatment, that is a very personal decision that he needed to make for himself. But I did tell him I could not continue to live with certain behaviors, amongst them threatening to leave every time the thought crossed his mind, because they were turning me into a shadow of myself, into someone I didn’t recognize or like and I didn’t want to be that person. This resulted in him getting therapy, medication and psychiatric treatment.

After all these years, it‘s still hard every day and I can’t help but wonder often whether I would or should have chosen a different path, i.e. to distance myself, had I known more at the very beginning of our relationship. But I do know that I would advise everyone knowingly getting into a relationship with a BPD to think hard about it. It is very very difficult, for both. I was wrong in wanting to be strong for both of us. It actually converted my partner into the „weaker“ part of the relationship by compensating for his shortcomings and I learnt that that was a form of disrespect. There are and should be 2 adults in a couple, with or without mental health issues. And after 15 years I can say it takes a lot, from both, but it takes more work and effort from the BPD partner, to have a chance at a lasting relationship.

So, I would ask a couple of questions back at you
1. would you stay in this relationship if you knew for a fact that the roller coaster of one day lovers, one day friends and one day strangers will always be part of it, will never stop? Would you stay in this relationship with him behaving this way but not ever accepting the same behavior from you?
2. if the answer is NO then you need to ask yourself whether you can be clear with yourself and with him what you absolutely must have to be happy - not a condition he needs to fulfill - but a limit that if crossed would make you deeply and permanently unhappy. If that red line is crossed you walk away, not because you don’t love him and not because you don’t care about his issues, but because you need to survive and take care of yourself.

I wish you the very best. Please always be good to yourself and look after yourself. Hugs!
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