Dear J,

First things first welcome to PC. I don't often talk in the forums due to being busy or tired, but there are lots of amazing people to support you whenever you are here and you don't need to worry about being alone. This community is extremely supportive and helpful.

I am very sorry you are starting out your life with such terrible people for parents. I know it can be very difficult to get help when you are not a legal adult. You are a brave young woman and looking for help on this site is a great idea. Journaling is also an excellent idea. (I think some of the others that said hi/welcome to you, already mentioned that.) Still, journaling, therapy, school, counseling, and other healthy mechanisms can help you sort through and understand your brain and mental health a lot better.

As for the abuse, you should never blame yourself for the things that people do to you. (I am not talking about regular consequences/punishments for things like stealing or theft here.) What I mean by this is that bad grades, poor eating, poor sleep, self-harm, depression symptoms, and talking about your own emotions or experiences are not bad things and you shouldn't be beaten, spoken down to, insulted, or blamed for them. You mentioned that your guardians (grandparents) often say that you are using ADD as "a crutch" or are "just acting out for attention"; I wouldn't argue with them since they don't seem the type to listen or care. However, please know that, when anyone (including you) is injured, abused, or in pain, we often seek to draw attention to the situation as a way to call for help. While self-harm and negative self-talk are both unhealthy, they don't make you a bad person and, from what you've described, you have every reason to be asking for help. Please don't beat yourself up or insult yourself; you matter and you aren't a failure or a disappointment. You can never please everyone and it is best to ignore the opinions of the people that abuse you. (Speaking from experience here, most of my abusers have never been anything but disappointed in me or angry at me and nothing I can do ever changes that, so why should I exhaust my energy?) Trust me when I say you aren't safe in an environment that is actively encouraging you to beat on yourself, loathe yourself, and hate yourself.

I know I am probably stressing things that you already know, so I will move on to a few options. You seem like a very smart girl who has learned to frame her situation with humor to help cushion some of the pain and desperation; I just want you to know that you don't have to stay in such an abusive place. There are lots of places that offer support for children in abusive situations in the United States and you can talk to teachers (if you are in a public school, at least) and report about what is going on. If you need advice on who to talk to or how to get out of your situation, please PM me and I can work on finding specifics for you or helping to at least point you in the right directions. Whether it be Child Protective Services or some form of intervention service, I want you to be safe and okay. I don't want to make you uncomfortable or pressure you, but there are people out there that can and want to help kids and teens live abuse-free lives. While it may seem like you can handle anything, being abused leaves scars far past what happens in that moment and, if you can get out, you should. All children/teens deserve to live in safe homes without the threat of no food, no water, no sleep, improper medical care, or constant threats and verbal/mental abuse. (I'd make the case that all adults deserve that too, but I'll stick to the point here.)

Even if, for one reason or another, you can't get out right away, please don't beat yourself up. If you are afraid to talk or report what is going on or if you have limited options, that isn't your fault. You are still brave and smart and good. Focus on your schooling and remember that, once you turn eighteen, they won't have much control, if any, over you. You will, whether by reporting or simply growing up, eventually be out of the situation. Please remember that, no matter how people might see you, you matter and you deserve a chance to live. You are still just a teenager right now and self-harm or suicidal thoughts are not crimes; they are often unhealthy or desperate reactions to a deeper issue or problem in someone's life or current mental health. (You can't blame someone who contracts the flu for being "attention seeking" and you shouldn't blame someone who's having issues with their brain or emotions for "being attention seeking"; these are both illnesses and the only difference is that one of the illnesses I mentioned is more publicly understood and less stigmatized.) Try not to focus on suicidal thoughts or depression and remember that you still matter and that things can and will change. I know it will be hard, but there is a whole world after you grow up and you still deserve to experience that.

If you ever need someone to talk to, you can PM me. I hope things get better and here is a hug, in case you want/need one. I know this was a long post and a lot of hard information, but I do hope it helps and you get the support you need, whether it be from me or this community or someone else or from a variety of sources. No judgement here.

~ CatLover007.