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Old 03-02-2019, 05:15 AM
romantic rose romantic rose is offline
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Member Since: Jul 2018
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Default Re: internalized homophobia

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones View Post
Does anybody else who identifies lesbian/gay/bi+ or non-binary etc. suffer from internalized homophobia? I can admit to myself my sexuality and gender and even to others, but I can't accept it no matter what happens. It's not like I just started questioning. My gender/sexuality identity has been pretty stable for the last decade or so. I'm not sure how to get over it at this point. It is one of the reasons I have severely low self-esteem.

I am not 100% on what I am, sometimes I think I am bisexual and sometimes lesbian, but have never been intimate or even kissed a woman. I just know there is something wrong when I kiss a man, it feels like I am forcing it. And I find women's bodies more attractive than men's most of the time, but like men's faces more than women's.


The only way I can climax is through self pleasure and I have to think of something to get me in the mood or watch something that turns me on; this is never sex or people's bodies, is generally watching men dominate women in some way, but not something that is sexually non consensual. (It doesn't necessarily turn me on to be dominated by a man personally).


But I have no interest in trying being with a woman anyway. However for me the fact I have never tried it suggests that maybe if I do everything will change and I will know I am a lesbian. My parents would disapprove and I don't feel comfortable with it at all. But it is a personal disinterest. On the other hand I don't like being alone, but sex with men doesn't work. If I had the courage to try out being with a woman (I think I am afraid of liking it, but at present it doesn't feel 'right') I would.


I don't know if this is internalised homophobia but at present I can't imagine waking up in the arms of a woman every day. It doesn't feel 'natural' for me. I don't have an issue with people who are gay, yet I am nervous around them (because I seem to believe that they can 'tell' who is a lesbian and who isn't, and people have asked me if I was before).Women have flirted with me in the past and I didn't like it, even when I thought they were pretty. If I was comfortable with who I was I would be flattered.


So I avoid gay people. As I say I don't yearn for any woman and never have. Have a feeling, and my intuition makes me think I am, just from the fact that I think women's bodies are prettier, and when it comes to famous people I think more women are attractive than famous men (but is the opposite in real life), and if I like men they tend to be younger than me. But the idea of being with a woman does not appeal, even though I think if I let go of the fear of liking it, I would enjoy it more than being with a man. And if I did I think everything would change and I would want a relationship with a woman, but am scared of going there.


Hopefully I haven't offended anyone; apologies if I have.
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