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Old 03-02-2019, 11:18 AM
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Default Re: When 'functioning well' gets in the way of healing

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carmina View Post
Had a bad day at work, 2 of my students were struggling with something and straight away I was finding ways to blame myself, examining everything I did for that little mistake somewhere I must have made. I tell them all the time not to beat themselves up for making mistakes and yet I do that all the time myself, and worse. I went home feeling back in that place, when I was small, thinking I had done something wrong, but never quite being able to understand what it was. Just that I must be bad, wrong, not even human really.

I'm really really sick of this feeling, I feel so cut up inside, and it makes me want to cut myself again outside. It's just intolerable. Even worse is knowing tomorrow I will find another way to drag myself in and cope all over again because letting people at work down would be impossible for me to do. I think coping has become such a habit, almost like an addiction.
I am sorry you are struggling this way, I can relate to what you have described "feeling". You probably "give" in the way you wish you could get yourself too.

Does anyone EVER tell you what a wonderful teacher you are? Has anyone ever given you respect? It could be that because you DO help others in your teaching that people around you think you are stronger than you actually are too.

Often these "negative feelings" develop in one's childhood and the person isn't even aware of it. This is probably part of how you teach your students making sure they don't beat themselves up if they don't "just" get things right. It may trigger you when a student struggles because somehow in your past you were blamed when someone else was struggling. I am not good enough because YOU are not good enough messages. Or, I am not happy and it's YOUR fault messages too. And even if you don't do what I want and need you are being bad. Even, if I don't think what you care about is important that what you care about isn't important. That's one children often hear a lot. This can create this ongoing challenge in someone where they begin to subconsciously believe that their feelings are not important and don't have any value. And even "it's more important that others feel good about themselves".

Does this describe how you feel at all?
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