T Thursday. He got me 6 minutes late, which is unlike him. He apologized, said last client needed extra time, could he just give me 5 more minutes at the end? I said yes and joked that he was being ex-MC-like. Then I apologized, saying he's not ex-MC. T: "We must have some things in common." Me: "Well, you're both male..." T kinda laughed. (I could have gone with both being short, but was being nice!) Sat down, he asked how week had gone, I said better than last week. Ended up talking about sleep and sleep hygiene for quite a bit (I tend to sleep quite poorly), which wasn't my intent, but as I said, it was helpful.

Also some about how H had yelled at D a few mornings before, and it just seemed the past couple weeks he'd been yelling at her again, after being good about it since I'd talked to him a few months ago. T said how it can be easy to slip back into old patterns when not being vigilant and suggested I talk to him again. I mentioned stuff about D's sleep pattern being irregular, too, and how the mornings, getting her out the door can be really stressful. And that it can be frustrating because H won't do things like make his lunch till the last minute. T suggested using PECS cards for a schedule for the adults as well as D. It's interesting he used that specific example, because it's typically used for kids on the spectrum. It felt again like he was speaking from his own experience, as he explained ways to create the schedule, but I didn't say anything.

We were over halfway through. I said I'd had some insights since last session. One was about why I have trouble asking for help, like while he was away. I said I realized it applied to many parts of my life. Like I have pretty tight deadlines on most of my freelance work (2-5 days), so if something like a snow day happens or I'm not feeling well, can be a challenge to get things done. But I never want to ask for an extension, instead doing things like staying up late or getting up early to get it done. Yet the few times I've asked for an extension recently, it's been no problem at all. T gave me a "See? It was OK to ask" response to that. I said I figured it went back to childhood. We talked a bit about my perfectionism and that coming from my mom.

T: "This may seem like I'm simplifying things, but bear with me. It's like you feel you have to be the 'good girl.' Like you don't want to be a burden on anyone." Me: "Yes, I think that fits. I don't want to seem needy. But that keeps me from asking for help. Like I wish I'd asked for more help from you last week."

I said another insight involved my feeling bad for talking to other people about him, particularly his backup T. Me: "I think that comes from my mom. Because she'd say something like, 'Oh, what are you telling [ex-best friend] about me?'" T said it sounds like something else that came from her anxiety. How he hoped at one point I'd understand her more through that frame. That she was so afraid of someone getting a bad impression of her. I said how that made sense. He said he hoped I could understand that it wasn't necessarily something she did maliciously to me, that she probably couldn't even accept that she has anxiety. I agreed that she'd likely never admit it. And how ex-T had said that's probably why she couldn't seem to accept it in me--because to accept it in me would be to accept she had it as well.

Talked a little more about my talking about T to others, that I felt bad for saying negative things to his backup T. T: "I don't care. It doesn't bother me. You share what you need to share." I said I wondered if there was some element of my rebelling in there, in choosing to see first the consulting T then the backup T. Like, "Look, I'm independent." T said he could see that.

I said it made me think how when I was a teen, it's like I couldn't rebel the normal way. How it's normal to fight with your parents, but my mom would take it personally and get upset. And any small infraction was a huge deal. So it's like I had to suppress that. Which is likely why more of that, like smoking and drinking, happened in college and my 20s. T said that made sense. I said I guessed maybe I couldn't rebel as a kid too--"but maybe kids don't actually rebel so much as teens." T: "Uh, yeah they do! They're constantly testing their parents." Me: "Hm, yeah. Well, it was like I couldn't test mine the same way. So maybe that's why it's coming out more with you and ex-MC? Because I couldn't really do it then?" T: "That could be."

This led to him talking about the therapeutic relationship That he thought one way our relationship could help me is for me to see that we can have conflicts and work through them. That it wouldn't mean the end of the relationship. So then I could see that conflicts are OK and relationships can still be safe. I feel like he said more around that, but now I can't recall what he said that session vs. yesterday.

Confirmed for next week. I went over and paid. Shook hands as T wished me luck for the next day, when it was supposed to snow, saying he hoped would just be school delay, not closed. I said me too. T: "Take care." Me: "You too."

I was OK for a couple hours, even feeling good about what we talked about, while running some errands, then got home and totally broke down sobbing. All of this stuff just hit me, various insights. I made like three drafts of an email and finally sent it to him at like 7:30 a.m. May share that, debating. Ended up with an extra session yesterday, not because I was upset with him or anything, but because I had all these insights and wanted to talk about them sooner instead of later. Will report on that session later (was emotional and helpful).