I feel like I should know when it starts, but I really don’t.

Here’s my story. I had twins in early November. Shortly after their birth one of them almost died. He turned blue and my husband and I had to resuscitate him. He then spent a few weeks at a children’s hospital in NICU. He’s fine now, we think, but he did suffer some minor brain damage and only time will tell how it will effect him. Because we live in Canada we have a lot of great resources and he is going to be followed up with a lot of care. I’m optimistic.

I’m currently very sleep deprived. I also have a 2 1/2 year old. I don’t feel I ever really dealt with what happened to my son. I don’t feel like I have any lingering issues-but because I didn’t deal with it I worry I will. I have become choked up when EMS vehicles go by. I feel like I’ve been on autopilot since my twins were born. What will happen when I come out of the haze? I thought he was dead. He looked dead. Fortunately my husband and I took infant CPR and we were able to resuscitate him shortly before first responders got to our house. Both twins sleepmwith breathing monitors on their diapers which helps me sleep.

I’m concerned because I’m not good with death. I’ve always had a huge fear of losing people I love. My children of course would be the worst. I have some OCD about it (intrusive thoughts) that I’ve learned to manage through past therapy.

Is there something I should be doing so this doesn’t turn into PTSD? I’ve had mild PTSD in the past from something else. I’m not in therapy right now.